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'The Homer File Archives'

Homerfile archives for 2005-2007 are available on request: isasch@isas-ch.org

INTRODUCING AN OCCASIONAL AND SOMETIMES IRREVERENT ROUND UP OF RECENT NEWS BY THE INTREPID “HOMER FILE”

                           THE HOMERFILE – WINTER 2009.

EUL,  CIU,  EMU,  NEU, METC-NCC,  and the so-called ‘American University’ aka GAU,  North Cyprus Universities.       

With the world sliding deeply into recession, over in Walter Mitty land things remain much the same. Turkey along with  a few international students that fall into the trap of signing up at those failing universities for an ‘International’  ‘American’, ‘European’ education which upon further investigation proves to be nothing of the kind. Academic staff, mostly from Turkey who may in some cases speak a smattering of comprehensible English, come and go with alarming regularity often with their professional reputations (real or imagined) in tatters, that is if we don’t get at them first!.

We received a letter from a Nigerian student at GAU complaining that we had not helped her get her fee back from the university when things turned out not to be as expected. We take the view that our duty is to inform you of the real situation at the universities there and if you choose to ignore our warnings or the many other warnings posted elsewhere on the internet you only have yourself to blame. Getting any fee back from any university in North Cyprus is a non starter, if you have been foolish enough to part with your cash then kiss it goodbye!

So here we go again!

EUROPEAN UNIVERSITY OF LEFKE. EUL.

The new rector Prof. Dr Walter Mitty has taken up post and joined the propaganda war along with the other sorry bunch that persist in trying to convince the unwary that EUL is anything but a sham of a university. His ‘Rector’s Address’ reads like a page from Alice in Wonderland.

15 Students per class – oh yeah that would be when the other 30+ students take the day off would it?

Worldwide known academic staff! Who is he kidding does he mean that worldwide should be interpreted as a 15km radius of the Republic of Lefke. Most members of the academic staff are not known in the next village yet alone internationally! There are one or two exceptions as a couple of clowns have made a recent trip to Las Vegas at EUL’s expense apparently to present a paper and a conference. Ass Prof (is there a t at the end of Ass) Dr Akin Cellatoglu (translates to ‘son of a something or other’) and Prof Dr Krapperanan Balasubramanian (or something like that Reto is not good with telephone messages). Strange that it takes two people to present a paper that won’t really make a jot of difference to the reputation of EUL or the conference. Whilst off on their little jolly, staff at EUL had to carry on sans board markers, A4 paper, staples for the communal stapler to staple exam papers together and what is more, no bog roll in the toilets although the unstapled aforementioned exam papers could suffice in an emergency. It was also reported that students are now in debt to the university by close on $2 million! Perhaps they sent the Ass Prof son of a something or other and Prof Dr Krapper what’s his name over to play the crap tables and hopefully reduce the student debt.

Then there’s that old chestnut, a library with a 300,000 book capacity. Well that’s true, you could get 300,000 books in the library building but the thing is there is nothing like that number of books there, more like 15,000. Come to think of it Reto has probably got more books under his bed than EUL has in its library.

Life Long Learning facilities are held in a grotty office building situated in a very run down area of Lefkosa not far from an equally grotty Turkish bath where you can get more than your bumps felt for a few YTL extra…or so I am told!

Agreements with foreign universities have been exposed as decidedly suspicious elsewhere on this site. They either do not exist or are extremely tenuous to say the least.

Then there is the claim of academic staff from 35 countries many of whom use English as their native language. Oh boy that one’s a gem! Just take a look at the names of the academic staff in each department, most are Turkish and as far as I am aware English hasn’t been adopted as the native language in Turkey unless I missed it on the news. The rest of the staff come from Pakistan, North Cyprus, some of the old Soviet block countries and yes there are one or two from the UK and other English speaking nations but it is just a very few. Oh and now this brings me nicely onto one or two interesting bits of scandal gleaned after checking a couple of entries on EUL’s website, or rather the parts of it that actually work.

EUL kindly put some of their academic staff CVs on line. We are not sure if this was intentional or not as most members of staff had not given permission for publication. Then there is the awful photographs accompanying the said CVs, so dark that some of the photos make the subject  look like a scene from ‘The Black and White Minstrel Show,’ or an extra from ‘The Jolson Story’ some of which have given Reto and Urs nightmares for weeks. One that was brought to my attention was the CV of Prof.Dr. Herbert R. Reginbogin, yes that is his name (‘honest Injun’ as Reto might say).

A Black and White Minstrel                           A scene from ‘The Jolson Story’

                                                          (Larry Parks does not work at

                                                            EUL because he’s dead)

Well, it would appear from the website that Herr Reginbogin acquired his Ph.D at our own Bern University in good old Switzerland attending the faculty of Humanities and Jurisprudence. Thing is there is no such faculty at Bern University and what is more the good folk at Bern have never heard of Prof. Dr Reginbogin nor have any record of anyone with that name having attended there. Also listed under his name is a further qualification in Medieval and Modern History from Basel University but according to that reputable Swiss institution there is no such course of study there nor has there been in the past. Dr. Reginbogin is also listed as having served as a professor at West Coast University in California lecturing the confused students in government defense industry, business and political science. I say confused students because West Coast University trains and teaches the nursing profession! I am not saying that he hasn’t been to either Bern or Basle university although they are, it’s just you would have thought they would have had a record of such a high profile graduate.

He also lists a number of publications on his CV but talk about being vague on the so called publications he claims to be working at certain universities, when in fact he has only allegedly given a lecture there. It is also claimed that he served as a professor at Bogazici University but only for one semester, nobody works for one semester unless they actually resign or get the push. Checking further on the net you can find him listed as being a director of some obscure company in California.

Then we come to the Freemasons – the Izmir Lodge that is not the Alpine lodge and certainly not our Alpine lodge where Reto over-winters his bloody sheep. I have always been very suspicious of groups like the Klu Klux Klan, The Khmer Rouge, Baarder-Meinhof and the Freemasons. Having spent time in Turkey and N.Cyprus I got even more suspicious of men giving each other funny handshakes but having been told that the latter does more charitable work than the others one perhaps should give them a little credit for that. So what does this have to do with EUL? Well it just so happens than one of the former board members from the Izmir chapter has turned up at EUL in the guise of Prof .Dr Ali Sait Sevenger who is listed as a ‘Flying teacher for the accounting course’ a sort of Mary Poppins of the accounting world I would guess.

   Mary Poppins flying over London                              Flying Professor Ali Sait Sevgener

                                                                                  in Masonic regalia!

It would appear that the great flying Prof managed to get himself expelled from his position as Grand Treasurer in March 2006 on charges of corruption, I suppose you could say he was dis-lodged from his position, dis-lodged, oh come on this is for free you know and the old jokes are always the best!  So I guess dear reader that you won’t be in the least bit surprised to learn that he then turned up as a member of faculty at the European University of Lefke without that is his regalia intact! He was at one time Dean of Technology at Marmara University in Istanbul which is a real university. From a Dean at Marmara University and one of the chief honcho’s of the Izmir Main Lodge of the Turkish Freemasons and finally a Flying Teacher at EUL ‘oh how the once mighty have fallen’ as the saying goes! (You can read a newspaper report about him at the end of this Homerfile). But that’s not all folks because just when you thought that EUL was about as bad as it gets it would now appear that EUL doesn’t want him and have re-assigned his classes to another genius. The reason would appear to be something to do with ‘on going litigation’.

I have already mentioned our dear Ass Prof Akin Cellatoglu son of a something or other well actually Cellatoglu translates as son of an executioner!

                                 Hoess and Himmler, a couple of executioners.

Now being the sort of helpful guy he is Ass Prof Akin C often likes to add his name to his student and staff publications. That is of course perfectly in order provided you make the fact clear who’s work it really is. Whilst having a poke around the name of a student EK, now a member of faculty but formally my barber turned computer fixer of sorts. With the help of Ass Prof Akin the mini executioner he got an MSc from EUL. Like many other friends of the boss EK was offered a full scholarship by the BOTS at EUL to go to Sussex Uni for his Phd but the damn wife went and got herself pregnant and he couldn’t go which must have been a relief for all concerned, except the wife maybe. So to cut to the quick Ass Prof and EK the barber submitted a paper for publication around a couple of years ago, if you want to read it you can find it on google, just type in their names and look at the springerlink entry. Now the beginning of the article the pretty dreadful English gives the game away as this not being quite kosher; however the level of English dramatically improves half way through and gets all technical. I gave it to Reto to play with and once he started ‘getting noises in his head’ I knew he was on to something. Reto has this contraption on his computer that is able to detect plagerization and guess what; most for the paper was pilfered from someone else and presented at a conference in 2004! Little buggers I thought, I would have never thought that EK would have done such a dirty deed. EUL must have corrupted him because he wasn’t like that when he was running his fingers through my hair all those years ago. Reto has got a pile of stuff published by the great Ass and there will no doubt be more revelations to come. However, it might be that the great Prof. Dr. Ass could soon be out on his arse if the caring sharing commies lose the forthcoming General Election over in the TRNC. His party, the CTP is about as popular as a fart in a perfumery and is likely to lose out to the much nicer UBP which is just slightly to the right of our own Christophe Blocher and his Swiss Peoples Party (SVP) of which Urs, Reto, and I are supporters provided they don’t decide to bring back that poster indicating that Winnie Mandela, Reto’s much beloved black sheep was going to be kicked out of good old CH! Guess who is the UBP candidate for Lefke, well its our old friend Mr Yes himself, Mehmet Zafer,  way to go Memo!

Reto and Urs were over in Cyprus and Reto wanted to see some of the universities he has been reading about. We decided to take a trip up to Troodos so Reto could play in the snow, he said the snow was different to the stuff we get back home in Switzerland. After a very nice lunch at the Mill Hotel in Kakopetria (www.cymillhotel.com) in the Greek Cypriot bit where the Maryland Trout is just superb and very fairly priced too, we decided to head down the mountain to cross the border into the Turkish Cypriot bit at Bostanci.

                                      The exceptional Mill Hotel

Urs is just under 1.9mt tall and Reto is not much shorter and the hired Bright Orange Fiat 500 was a shade cramped. I foolishly allowed Urs to book the car over the internet and assumed the Fiat 500 would be like Hairy Ali’s back in CH, not as it turned out the original type of Fiat 500 that had been borrowed from Ikea !

            What I thought we were getting                   What we actually ended up with

Now I remember years ago that a judge in Ticino (The Italian bit of Switzerland) once ruled that it was impossible to get ravished in the original Fiat 500 without consenting and I could understand the reason behind his judgement being confined as I was in this noisy puddle jumper with Urs and Reto. Urs says it is perfectly possible to be ravished in Hairy Ali’s new Fiat 500 with or without consent but declined to elaborate, I worry about that boy sometimes, I really do. Anyway, as we approached the border crossing on the Turkish side I wondered if we had taken a wrong turning to the border checkpoint as the place looked like Zurich Airport and was capable of handling your average volume of bank holiday traffic and our tiny little Fiat looked very lonely as it was the only vehicle in sight! I needed to get out and stretch my legs so I took our passports to the immigration policeman who was dosing in a portacabin. ‘Mr Homerfile’ (not really my name in case you haven’t guessed already). I couldn’t believe it, the policeman was an old EUL student who had escaped the place and was now doing something useful. After reminiscing about EUL, a horror story in anyone’s books he took our passports. ‘You are in the Red Cross’ he asked as he stamped our passports, never one of the brighter sparks at EUL he thought a Swiss passport was something to do with the Red Cross, missing that the cross in question was actually a white cross on a red background and not vice versa! Reto had by this time joined me to see what was taking so long and the border policeman said ‘Your little boy is very beautiful and has got yellow hair, he looks Russian’. Reto was most put out by the little boy description he is 20 years old after all and well aware of Turkish men’s obsession with Russians and yellow hair so he hasten back to the car muttering something in his version of Romansch, a Swiss language that only he and his sheep can understand.

We arrived in the Republic of Lefke without much incident, always a bonus in that part of the world. Reto was moaning because the radio had packed up in the Fiat and that he was bored. We drove up to the back entrance of EUL. Is that it! Exclaimed Reto. Its not as big as Zurich University, it’s not even as big as my primary school! It wasn’t long before our bright orange car attracted the attention of a rather odd looking creature that came drooling up to our window. It turned out to be EUL/ LA OOO security. I quickly turned the key and mercifully the bloody thing started first time. After our narrow escape we decided to park up for something to drink.

As places go Gemikonagi is a bit of a tip. We did find a coffee shop so we stopped to order our drinks. It was a little like a scene from the film ‘Night of the Living Dead’ at the coffee shop and Urs remarked that most of the people lurking therein looked like the weirdo we had just seen up at EUL. I explained that it was probably the water as it had a strange effect on people in the area. Well, they can stuff their bloody coffee then said Urs with a dramatic flourish. Reto had started to mumble to himself which is never a good sign, ‘I don’t like this place, I can hear banjo’s’ I assured him that it was most unlikely that anyone could play a banjo in that part of the world but they were very big on the saxophone I had heard. ‘No it’s definitely banjos and I want to get out of here!’ So we forgot about coffee and made a  hasty return to the car and attempting not to attract too much attention as by this time the natives were getting decidedly restless.  I got into the car, turned the key only to be met with a cacophony of sound as the radio decided to blast into life.  ‘Quick! Get in before we end up as tonight dinner’ I yelled over the noise of the Hallelujah Chorus and The Huddersfield Choral Society! Speeding, well as fast as one can speed in a Fiat we left Gemikonagi with Reto yelling ‘Faster Faster I can still hear banjo’s!*

Passing through the village of  Kalkanli and the METU.NCC campus we noticed a building described as a ‘Resort hotel’. Kalkanli is a one sheep town stuck in the middle of nowhere on a high and windy hill so why resort hotel? Could it be that METU-NCC is really a holiday camp for spoilt teenagers from the motherland after all hence the term ‘Resort’?

We took a detour so we could visit the marionettes village that Reto had read about somewhere. It turned out that the village was called Korucam and was the home of a small Maronite community and a rather large Maronite church. Arriving at the village Reto decided that he had had enough walking for the day and left Urs and I to have a look around the village whilst he made himself comfortable at a small café. I knew leaving Reto to his own devises might be a tad risky but I really did need to stretch my legs and I had not seen a group of nuns sitting at the table next to Reto so by the time we had got back Reto was chatting away ten to the dozen.

 ‘This is my dad and that is my brother, Dad has been looking at the church and Urs has been siphoning the python’! Fortunately, the nun didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. ‘I have been telling the nuns that my mum is an Armalite nun and she is living with Albert of Sicily and she has given her life to Jesus and the mob’ ‘Oh Jesus Christ said Urs not that bloody nun thing again …and its not Armalite it Carmelite . ‘Stop your blaspheming young man’ said the rather severe looking nun who I assumed to be the boss. ‘My mum made a record with Casanova and Annie Frind before she went to Africa with Audrey Hepburn to cure the black people of leprosy’  ‘But my dear, if the lady is your mother she cannot possibly be a nun’ said the severe nun. ‘She is so, I was an immaculate contraception, ask my dad’  I said that I thought it was about time to go and Urs called me a coward. The severe nun gave me one of those withering looks that severe nuns give and called me a philanderer so we left rather hastily – well again as hastily as is possible in a Fiat 500.

What is a philanderer, is it the same thing as a mysogonist and can I be philanderer too when we get home. ‘Shut up you arse’ said Urs ‘Dad, dick head just called me an arse again’ …and it possible to strangle someone in a Fiat 500, I thought to myself.

* It is a phrase used in a film called Deliverance which could easily have been filmed in Lefke as the natives bear a striking resemblance to those backwoods men down in Georgia USA

THE HOMERFILE FALL SEMESTER 2008

EUROPEAN UNIVERSITY OF LEFKE: EUL/LAU/EUHELL.

Yet another one bites the dust! The bigonewhobehaves over at EUL has resigned as rector of that rotten hole. It would appear that he has resigned in order to spend more time with his family. It came as no real surprise as Smallonewhobehaves, Bigonewhobehaves son had made it quite clear to his class mates at a local private school that he would not be back after the summer break. It would appear that this info didn’t reach the Board of Trustees and they feigned shock at the Bigones resignation. Well at least Homerfiles spies are on the ball. The chairman of the board of trustees said that the board appreciated the fact that the Bigonewhobehaves had resigned before the start of the new semester (a matter of a few days incidentally).

 Dr Akin Cellatoglu.            Benzino Napaloni chairman         The Bigonenomore!

Also Known as Mr Cuddles.     of the EUL BOTS.                                                                

The new acting rector and golden boy of the BOTs is Dr Akin Cellatoglu who is a Cypriot and you can bet YOK is going to love that, a Cypriot running a Turkish Cypriot university is just not on. But I caution YOK to hang on and see what develops over at Xenophobia on Sea. Looking at the present situation in an entirely impartial and even handed way, as I always do, as things stand with Dr Cellatoglu at the helm it’s a case of Cypriots stabbing each other in the back because he is surely going to have a hard time making sure that the knives are not aimed at him by his fellow countrymen or more appropriately women! Incidentally, Cellatoglu translates in to English as ‘Son of a something-or-the-other but I guess you might have worked that out for yourselves.

So with the bigonenomore back in Istanbul that is at least .05% of EULs problems solved. The strike seems to have been put on hold or petered out and we can all look forward to the next episode of anarchy, and I guess we won’t have too long to wait!

The American University, Girne American University, UNVA

North Cyprus and any other name it comes up into conning you into thinking its anything close to resembling a real university- think I am being unkind-then read on. Much of the following relates to correspondence received from the legal representative of a member of staff of UNVA – at least we think he was a member of staff but given UNVA-GAUs shocking behaviour towards this academic, one is bound to wonder what UNVA-GAUs intentions really were. We have reproduced documents from the applicants lawyer relating to this incident. ISAS-CH.ORG wishes to point out that we have no connection with Mr Linehan, Mr Danneskjold or ARP Applied Rational Systems Research in Singapore but reproduce the documents sent by them to us in good faith.

8 October, 2008

Molly Corbett Broad
President
American Council on Education
One DuPont Circle NW
Washington DC, 20036  USA

Dear Ms. Broad,

My client, Dave Linehan, was recently invited to join the faculty of business at Girne American University / University of Northern Virginia's

joint program in Cyprus.  To his dismay upon arrival, he found that this joint program did not even exist.  Subsequently, GAU/UNVA proceeded

to void his contract, cancel his return air ticket and violated international law by failing to provide 30 day notice or severance pay.  Attached are

supporting documentation.  I am certain that these actions are in direct violation of UNVA's charter for accreditation with ACE, but more

importantly, is a great fraud upon the international students who have paid exhorbitant fees and studied to earn a degree from a program that

does not even exist.

UNVA is accredited by the American Council of Education (ACE) , the American Educational Consortium (AEC) and, until recently, the
Accrediting Council of Independent Colleges and Schools (ACICS).  UNVA lost its accreditation with the Accrediting Council of
Independent Colleges and Schools (ACICS) in the United States on Aug 6, which led to Singapore's Ministry of Education (MOE) revoking its

approval. 

There are good, or at least understandable, reasons why so few whistleblowers emerge from institutions that need conformity and
silence to lay flagstones on the path to false or substandard international educational programs. Those reasons have to do with
matters of personal safety, financial security, legal jeopardy, social cohesion and default positions of obedience. They help to explain why and

how people go along to get along with this state of affairs even when it flagrantly rests on foundations of falsehoods and irrational behavior.  

Dr. Linehan has refused to sanction such programs through his participation in them.  Your organization's independent oversight and strict

enforcement of the guiding principles for accreditation must be a required component to keep things fair without the necessity for students and

faculty to resort to legal action through the courts.  ACE should act as the personal guarantor of commitments made by your accredited

institutions and act swiftly to rectify and redress the problems created by these institutions.  İ request that ACE provide redress for Dr. Linehan

and provide both his severance pay of 1425 Euros as well as his return ticket back to Singapore and immediately investigate the violations of

law documented herein.

I look forward to your reply.

--
Dave Danneskjold, Esq.
Counsel for ARP, LLC
1 North Bridge Road
High Street Centre #22-07
Singapore 179094
Tel. +65 6338 1780
Fax +65 6338 6311

My life already! Looks like someone has a bee in his bonnet here! Actually, we got wind something was afoot when we received an e-mail from someone using a GAU server who appeared to be sending us a transcript of a conversation relating to a former member of staff. Unfortunately, neither Urs nor I could make any sense out of it and it wasn’t until we received a copy of a letter sent to XYZ (not his or her real name and probably not Polish as the Poles tend to have more sense than to get involved with outfits like GAU). The letter was from Prof.Dr Ron French – El Presidente of UNVAs ex-operation in Disneyland on the Med. The letter was also sent to Mr Shel Hulac who has had so many titles over the past six years, not entirely his fault as The Dear One and co are apt to give out awards in the manner of some African despot so we are not sure what he is trading under at the present moment in time, he could be the Latest Queen of Mars for all we know.

ISAS-CH has been warning students not to get involved with this wretched GAU-UNVA set-up for over a year now. Its accreditation with its main accreditor the ACICS has been in doubt since day one and finally ran into serious difficulties about this time last year when UNVA had its accreditation revoked by ACICS. Due to some legal shenanigans a stay of execution was granted by a district judge and ACICS were ordered to re-instate UNVA as being ‘on probation’ UNVA finally had its accreditation revoked at the beginning of August 2008. The revocation was not subject to appeal so UNVA-GAU and other UNVA campuses overseas were well aware that it was the end of the road as far as ACICS accreditation went. Did that stop GAU-UNVA shamelessly promoting the wretched programme? Did it hell as like. We continue to receive letters from students mainly from the Middle East and Africa who asked us if it was safe to register at UNVA programmes overseas. Our reply is pretty much the same in all instances in that ‘if an ACICS accredited diploma is important to them then they should not register under any circumstances. Fortunately, most of these people take our advice and look elsewhere but sadly others thought otherwise and are now regretting their decision. Especially when you are dealing with people who think it is perfectly acceptable to continue to recruit students up until as late as 11 September 2008, over a month after UNVA-Cyprus lost its accreditation from ACICS. On such person is the aforementioned Dr Ron French. The following document speaks volumes of the thoroughly despicable behaviour of the recruitment practices at UNVA-Cyprus and the individuals involved.

GAU was, according to one Nigerian student, still holding placement exams for UNVA programmes until a couple of weeks ago knowing full well that the programmes would never run. But then I am sure you didn’t miss the reference to a new Drs. Fay and Joe university called The University of North America or UNA – you might even be forgiven for confusing UNVA with UNA or getting your acronyms in a twist so to speak but I am sure that is not the intention of ‘The Dear One’ or the Drs Three and the Queen of Mars. So let’s take a look at a document relating to the UNA which looks like it could well be GAUs new American moniker. This document is in the public domain although we received a copy of this document in our mailbox from a lawyer in Singapore. Pip Squeak Urs received the following:

Dear Urs, 

İnteresting that UNA is probably worse than UNVA.....  Maybe you could put this up for the GAU students also

Examples of why I have some interest in the University of North America... and theır new relationship with GAU...

http://bulk.resource.org/courts.gov/c/F2/835/835.F2d.876.87-5618.html

22 F.3d 1504

40 Fed. R. Evid. Serv. 900

UNITED STATES of America, Plaintiff-Appellee,
v.
Edward P. REDDECK, Defendant-Appellant.

No. 93-4112.

United States Court of Appeals,
Tenth Circuit.

April 26, 1994.

1

Mr. Edward Reddeck was convicted of multiple counts of mail fraud, under 18 U.S.C. Sec. 1341, and one count of using a fictitious and false name, under 18 U.S.C. Sec. 1342, in connection with his operation of a mail-correspondence university in Salt Lake City, Utah. As part of the sentence, he was ordered to serve forty-three months of imprisonment. Mr. Reddeck appeals both his conviction and sentence. We affirm the conviction, but remand for resentencing.

BACKGROUND
2

The charges arise from operation of North American University (NAU) in Salt Lake City, Utah, and Westlake Village, California, between 1989 and 1992. Mr. Reddeck has organized numerous nontraditional universities in the past. In the late 1970s, Mr. Reddeck organized American International University in California and was convicted of mail fraud while promoting mail-correspondence universities. American International University moved to Arizona, then to Missouri. While in Missouri, Mr. Reddeck attempted to establish the University of North America but was prevented by a state court injunction issued in 1989. About this time, Mr. Reddeck established NAU in Salt Lake City, Utah. Ultimately, the Utah address was used as a mail drop and Mr. Reddeck ran NAU from his office in California.
3

NAU attracted prospective students through advertisements in national newspapers and magazines. The advertisements encouraged prospective students to send for a catalog of courses and to submit a record of life experiences. A fundamental tenet of Mr. Reddeck's educational philosophy is that people should receive credit for life experience toward a college degree. If accepted by NAU, a student received a workbook explaining different areas of study and describing classes in each area. Students were encouraged to challenge a class, and thereby receive NAU credit, by writing a paper showing their competence in a particular area drawn from life experience.
4

The catalog stated NAU was an accredited institution and displayed a copy of the school's certificate of accreditation from the International Accreditation Association (IAA). Mr. Reddeck established IAA solely to "accredit" his universities, and the association has no relation to recognized accreditation institutions. The catalog also listed numerous faculty, many of whom later testified were never offered employment by Mr. Reddeck. NAU did employ at least one faculty member, with training in political science, who was asked to grade life experience papers in such diverse areas as aeronautics, psychology, and engineering. Approximately 458 students were enrolled at NAU between 1989 and 1992. Tuition obligations ranged from over $1,500 for an Associate of Arts & Science degree to over $3,000 for a combined Master's/Doctoral degree.

On the "Unaccredited institutions of higher learning" page of Wikipedia UNA gets a mention - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unaccredited_institutions_of_higher_learning

Wiki again talks about the University of North America - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accrediting_Commission_International

"The University of North America was ordered to pay $2.5 million dollars for "claiming accreditation by the International Accrediting Commission".[2] Once the operation was closed, the operator of University of North America, Edward Perry Reddeck (who served prison time for educational fraud) "moved to Utah and reopened his degree mill under the name North American University.[2] That operation was closed and Reddeck opened the Gold Coast University.[2]"
On Credential Watch, http://www.credentialwatch.org/non/mich.shtml, they state the following...

The State of Michigan maintains a list of colleges and universities that are not accredited by an accrediting body of the Council on Higher Education Accreditation. Degrees from these institutions will not be accepted by the Michigan's Department of Civil Service as satisfying any educational requirements indicated on job specifications. This version of the list was last revised by the department on July 7, 2005.

Sure enough, they list North American University.

University of North America is even frowned upon by the University Grants Commission (UGC) in Bangladesh http://nation.ittefaq.com/artman/publish/article_36039.shtml

QuackWatch, your guide to Quackery, Health Fraud, and Intelligent Decisions makes an honorable mention for the "School". See "The People Who Buy and Use Fake Degrees" http://www.quackwatch.org/04ConsumerEducation/dm1.html

Bears' Guide to Earning Degrees by Distance Learning by John Bear, Mariah P. Bear talks about this school.

Such is the dear ones obsession with anything ‘American’ (although most of the wheeling and dealing appears to be conducted in N.Cyprus and London rather than Karaoglanoglu/Karmi North Cyprus). GAU, already scraping on the shadowy periphery of tiertry education will not, it would seem, turn a hair at wallowing in the mire a little deeper to grasp a tenuous foothold in the ‘American style education’ system. Our advice remains the same AFTER ALL THAT HAS GONE BEFORE UNLESS GAU AND WHICHEVER AMERICAN STYLE UNIVERSITY IT NEXT JUMPS INTO BED WITH CAN PROVE THAT IT HAS HELD ACCREDITATION WITH A CREDIBLE ACCREDITING AGENCY FOR AT LEAST 10 YEARS THEN ANY PROSPECTIVE STUDENT WOULD BE WISE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE.

…and talking of jumping into bed.

HIV ALERT!

Earlier this summer, down in darkest Karaoglanoglu two female African students were caught prostituting themselves to panting Turks and Turkish Cypriots for a 100 Bucks a jump. One can understand that these young ladies were probably desperate for money well they would have to be wouldn’t they? The young ladies were deported but not until after an HIV scare was put about.

Last week, two more students were arrested for bouncing around under a hairy Turk for 100 Bucks a throw. Just before being deported it was discovered that both of the girls where HIV positive. It is a sad fact that much of the African continent and in particular the area’s where students studying in North Cyprus are coming from have a serious HIV/AIDs problem. Any ancient European has to go through battery of medical tests before they can stay beyond their standard three month tourist visa. A few years ago an Englishman of 92 was forced to take an HIV test before being granted temporary resident status; He was quite surprised that the authorities deemed him a risk at his age! It would appear however that these African students are either exempt fro the usual medical tests or are somehow circumnavigating the rules and regulations so vigorously applied to European pensioners!

That most universities see their overseas students as ‘Cash Cows’ I guess that health regulations are pretty low on the list when it comes to student welfare. That most Turkish and Turkish Cypriot young men feel themselves absolutely invincible be it behind the wheel of a car or in charge of the rampant appendage in which most of them keep their brains, getting them to use protection is almost impossible, it is not too difficult to imagine that North Cyprus could soon find itself with a very serious problem indeed. How many more of these ‘red hot mommas’ have by passed the health tests not to mention the odd ‘hot lips Hasan’.

Dr? Ismet Esenyel Head of Tourism at GAU no more.

Well at least one bright spot on the horizon. You will recall that your old friend Homerfile exposed Mr. Esenyel’s much vaunted doctorate from Fairfax University as a fraud. I sincerely hope that it was nothing that I said but dear old Mr. Esenyel is no longer Head of Tourism and has been de-doctored so to speak. The new head is from Turkey but has to make quite a trek to get to her lectures. Apparently, the great bogus Dr is still holed up in the Head of Tourism office…could this be the start of a siege? Watch this space folks!

IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE STUDENTS OR TEACHERS THAT FEEL THEY HAVE BEEN MISLEAD OVER THE UNVA DEBACLE, WE WOULD URGE YOU TO CONTACT YOUR EMBASSY OR HIGH COMMISSION, AND MAKE THEM AWARE OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU. YOU MIGHT ALSO CONSIDER MAKING THE AMERICAN EMBASSY IN NICOSIA AWARE OF WHAT IS BEING DONE IN THEIR COUNTRY’S NAME, WHILST ALSO SENDING A COPY TO THE BRITISH HIGH COMMISSION IN NICOSIA, AS IT WOULD APPEAR THAT LONDON IS A BASE FOR MUCH OF THE WHEELING AND DEALING.

GOV. TIM KAINE THE GOVENOR OF THE STATE OF VIRGINIA HAS ALWAYS RESPONDED QUICKLY TO ANY CORRESPONDENCE ISAS-CH HAS HAD WITH HIS OFFICE SO WHILST YOU’RE AT IT, MAKE HIM AWARE OF WHAT IS GOING ON THE NAME OF THE GOOD STATE OF VIRGINIA.

                                            Gov. Tim Kaine of Virginia

I would suggest that you write to the dear ol Gov, Lester Maddox of Georgia too, as he had a nack of getting things done but unfortunately he died a couple of years ago.   

                                   Good Ol Lester, Getting it done his way      

The evil that men (and women) do: THE EUROPEAN UNIVERSITY OF LEFKE OUT DOES ITS PREVIOUS REPUTATION FOR SLEAZE AND DISHONESTY!

                   Striking EUL Lecturers, students and supporters in a mass demo

                   (Photo from LAU Grev website. 

Perhaps now might be the time to take a look at what is going on over at EUL, especially as Warwick University thinks its such a great place that has moved on to great things in such a short space of time. Well, think again!

I have been asked to correct a statement made in the last Homerfile suggesting that the management of EUL backed down to those who had been suspended during the on going industrial action. I am reliably informed that although the management at EUL would like it to look like they were being magnanimous in re-instating those teachers, the teachers were in fact reinstated because the KKTC high court ruled that the suspension was illegal; it has been further alleged that it was the Government, not EUL management, who wanted those individuals sacked - 3 being Turkish, the government is apparently keen to see these individuals depart from Cyprus to go back to a country where trades unions are an accepted part of everyday working life-or so I am told.

ISAS-CH received a delivery of documents and recorded material at the beginning of last week relating to the European University of Lefke. The minidisks have been checked by an audiologist at a local university and have been found as far as it is possible to tell to be unedited and entirely legit. Little pretence is now being given to hold up any real academic or ethical values at a place that should have been closed years ago.

It is alleged that all the new buildings on the campus have involved hundreds of thousands of pounds of inflated accountancy (know as creative accounting at the gin palace). Where has the money gone? You may well ask, because the management seems to be keeping mum on the case of the missing dosh and I can’t imagine why.

As you may have gleaned from the last Homerfile, teachers at EUL went on strike after what passes for ‘The Management’- namely the BOTs and Rector - decided that they would not allow academic staff to form a new union nor join an existing trades union. Now I and indeed most people conversant with the constitution of North Cyprus would find that rather odd as it is clearly stated that everyone has the right to join a trades union, the one exception being the police who are not under civilian control. This all becomes even odder when one considers that the present government, President and PM included, have wailed on and on for years about workers and trades union rights, a pet subject of theirs no doubt since the time that they received sponsorship from the old Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Remember Mr President, it was not so long ago that you could be seen riding round on a bike fixing air conditioners and fridges! Indeed, it would appear that many members of the ruling party, the CTP, received sponsorship from various socialist and communist organizations. No doubt attending camping holidays on collective farms in a socialist haven whilst extolling the virtues of the October Revolution and righting the wrongs of the capitalist West.  I can see them now, sitting by the campfire singing such revolutionary songs as ‘Come oh boys I’ll share my socialist sausage with you’ or ‘Me and you and a Dacha for two’ oh and not forgetting ‘Who is this daddy on the wall of our sunny room’ ( ‘This is our dear Lenin’)

Provided you’re not a teacher at EUL!

North Cyprus was for many years under the stewardship of President Rauf. R. Denktash and how many times did the CTP, the party of the present Prime Minister and President; accuse Denktas of nepotism, graft and wholesale corruption. How many times did the Turkish Cypriots hear ‘its Denktash that’s holding us back etc?

Yes it is true that during President Denktash time it was possible to get things done a little quicker if you crossed the office managers palm with a little silver, but since the present lot took over, its not just the manager you have to bribe, the whole bloody office wants a piece of the action! So what has this got to do with EUL? Well read on folks.

You will recall that when the present Rector was appointed, there was a great hue and cry about the fact that he was receiving a salary of $10,000 per month, plus all the fringe benefits that went with the job. That salary represented a 100% increase on the former rectors’ salary and more than Mussolini got for running Italy, getting the trains to run on time, and getting shot with his ‘bit on the side’ near Dongo lake Como.

 Il Duce in a pensive mood              EUL’s Rector before he got shot in the Dongo

The present rector was appointed shortly after the CTP came to power, and by the time of his appointment, the board of trustees consisted almost entirely of CTP members or ‘fellow travellers’. The Chairman of the BOTs is Eren ‘Loadsamoney’ Stoned Island, aka Benzino Napaloni, and not to be confused with a colleague with a similar name. It is an odd arrangement over at EUL whereby the Board of Trustees, and indeed most academic staff, will almost certainly have to be card carrying members of the ruling party in government to progress beyond their present position or even to get a job there in the first place. Actually, those conversant with Mussolini (as I have already mentioned him) and Italian history of the period might be drawn to conclude that the Board of Trustees is a little like The Fascist Grand Council - albeit on a far less grand scale. Being competent to do any job at EUL will be a minor consideration upon appointment; it’s that  party card and/or the ability to be a spineless, two faced back stabbing snivelling crawler that will get you the job! So yes there are indeed many Mr and Mrs Kipper’s* over at EUL right now as recent events have clearly revealed.

             A two faced yellow kipper.

  *Kipper: A spineless, gutless, two faced fish that has a tinge of yellow running through it

During the Bigonewhobehaves and assorted BOTs short reign of terror, there have been at least 70 ad-hoc sackings from EUL. It is likely to rise on or around 15 August when present contracts are due for renewal and ‘the management’ uses the opportunity to get shot of those involved in the recent industrial action.

There are up to 15 names held on a list at EULs Security Gate to be refused entry to the university where the slogan over the gate should be ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’. These comprise the six sacked teachers, four students who are unable to finish their masters programme (see below*), and five part time teachers in the EPS. Teachers are still leaving the place including some who were not directly involved in the recent industrial action. Those sacked during the dispute appear to remain sacked, despite the fact the TRNC law clearly states that the BOTs are breaking the law in doing so, as they are not permitted to sack anyone, allocate anyone’s work to another person, or give anyone’s job to anyone else whilst the strike was on. Of course- the BOTs along with their trusted stool pigeons broke those laws with gay abandon!

It is a sad fact that many of those who claim socialist or democratic credentials whilst in opposition, when elected turn into something quite the opposite; Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin and certain rectors and BOT members being prime examples. They may still claim to fight for workers rights, justice for all and even claim to be fighting for equality and freedom from graft, nepotism, and overt and covert corruption but the reality is often that the new lot turn out to be worse than the old, and in the case at hand, much worse: so bad in fact that the few genuine academics that are left at the festering place decided enough was enough. Of course, the last thing ‘the management’ wanted was an organised and unionised workforce on their hands. A unionised workforce would demand a bigger share of the pie that the ‘fat cats’ were already consuming themselves, the last thing on their minds was to let anybody else share in the spoils of their ill gotten gains. After all, only the fat cats can been seen running around in CHF 160,000 luxury SUVs, it wouldn’t be right if the teachers got ideas above their station in life. Also another rather disturbing thing that has been noticed is that the ‘fat cats’ are beginning to look…well fat, or obese! Call it what you will. Now there might well be a very good reason for this and that would be that the ‘fat cats’ are said to be running up a bill in excess of  CHF10,000 at a local restaurant on a monthly ‘entertainments budget’. Apparently, the deserts can’t be up to much as the some of the management are known to partake of the other local delicacy known as a Russian Tart and they are full of naughtiness aren’t they boys!

A slice of ‘Russian Tart’

Talking of tarts, the local knocking shops appear to be doing a roaring trade over in the Republic of Lefke and surrounding areas. One in particular seems to be over subscribed. The management and students alike are known to ‘go down to the woods today’ or any day to be sure of a big surprise rumour has it. The ‘hostesses’ have even got little nicknames for their favourite clients. One regular from EUL is known as ‘Crystal Balls’ and another ‘Ferrari Mehmet’ and I was somewhat amazed to learn that they even have a nick name for me - ‘Mr Ultimate’! Someone is starting vicious rumours because I have never been near the place. Things developed a few days later when I found out that a word had been left of my nickname and it should have been Mr Ultimate Challenge.

It has also been alleged that the university has spent a whopping 2 million US dollars in one of the daftest exercises in the history of even that daft place- to recruit students from the USA and Malaysia! Oh come on, any student from the US and Malaysia has access to some of the finest universities in the world right on their doorsteps. Are the BOTs and their cohorts so arrogant, or more likely stupid enough, to believe that any sane or rational individual is going to go to a university that sits far to close to a poisoned radioactive rubbish dump, has all the charisma of a skunk, and in a remote part of the yet to be recognised Turkish Republic of North Cyprus rather than one closer to home. Call me an old cynic if you will, but I can’t help think that the 2 million spent on the pretext of recruiting overseas students paid for several lavish holidays for the party faithful. Where next year, Hawaii, Bali, the Moon?

The public face of EUL and its management is far different from what goes on behind the scenes. The management seems to have taken the maxim that if you tell a big enough lie often enough people will eventually believe it.

It was stated in the local press that the recent graduation ceremony was well attended by students and academics from all over the world (all over the world tends to mean Turkey by the way). Well yes and no. There were a number of strangers among the academic staff that evening. The management, realising that there would not be enough academics left to hand out those coveted EUL degree certificates had to bus and even fly people in to attend. One of the bods brought in had been ‘gotten shot of’ not that long ago, for using phoney degrees! Go to the EUL website and one is treated to a picture of smiling happy students and a jolly little fat man running around the campus.

The bigonewhobehaves with (I guess) some                        Mussolini, known to his friends as amca

of the BOTs and a man with a chicken on his                    demonstrates the Bersaglieri Trot.

head.                                                              

Now, we I have had a little dig at the bigonewhobehaves but you know what, he has only a tiny part (in the present situation). Rectors at EUL are appointed by the political group know as the board of trustees or grand council - call it what you will. Rectors thus appointed prove to be about as limp as a wet lettuce and as useful as a paper cup in a Greek taverna. Bigone on the other hand whilst no doubt compliant of his master voice

(Sig.Benzino Napaloni), has also managed to stamp his own authority upon the tea ladies by calling them donkeys and generally making their lives hell, something no other rector has dared to do.

Benzino Napaloni

Being an abrasive character from day one set the tone for an era of conflict between his relatively small band of supporters and the main body of academic staff and students. His supporters have enjoyed a somewhat rapid rise in their career and financial prospects at the expense of those with more backbone. Supporters of the rector and the BOTs are know as:

 Or     which I venture to add is a little bit unkind to Mr Quisling, he was never that bad, just misunderstood.

So we know that the BOTs appoint and control the rector so who appoints the BOTs and controls them? Well the BOTs are appointed by their political masters and the only qualification appears to be that you carry the party card. As to who controls the BOTs after they are appointed - well one might ask.

Now you know how adverse Homerfile is to muck raking of any kind, honest… Well a story appeared in the local paper ‘Kibris’ last week that caught my eye. 

A murder suspect Mustafa Akmandor was brutally tortured and murdered and dumped in a rural area in North Cyprus. His burned out BMW X5 found near the body of Mr Akmandor. Akmandor and seven other suspects escaped justice back in 2005 when North Cyprus police refused to hand him over to south Cyprus police who wanted to question him over the murder of Elmas Guzelyurtlu, owner of the collapsed TRNC Everest Bank. Akmandor was his bodyguard at the time of Guzelyurtlu’s murder in 2005.

So what is the EUL connection you might ask, well read on…

RTP/CTP is allegedly related to a person arrested in the free areas of the Republic of Cyprus, as the brains behind a network selling Turkish Cypriot properties with false documents. Under the banner front-page title; "2.5 million sterling pounds to Cavlan, supporter of CTP", Turkish Cypriot daily VOLKAN newspaper (17.02.05) reports that Vakiflar Bank which is bound to the so-called Prime Minister of the occupation regime and chairman of the Republican Turkish party (CTP), Mehmet Ali Talat, has given "millions of pounds sterling" to the member of the party Turgut Cavlan, who had been arrested by the police of the Republic of Cyprus as the mastermind of a network that has been selling Turkish Cypriot properties, which are in the free areas of the island, using false documents.

The paper argues that Turgut Cavlan is the brother of Hatice Cavlan, who has been appointed as general director of the Administration of the Efkav, which is the biggest shareholder of the above-mentioned bank. According to VOLKAN, the fact that Mr Cavlan was a member of the CTP has played a role in being able to take from the bank 2.5 pound sterling credit.

Meanwhile, the paper writes that Halil Cavlan, Turgut Cavlan's brother, has been a partner of the late Elmas Guzelyurtlu having 4.801 shares in Everestbank, when the above-mentioned bank bankrupted. Halil Evlan was in the Board of Directors of the bank with late Elmas during that period, notes VOLKAN.

The connection is that Ms Hatice Cavlan is a member of the present BOTs. Well I never did!! Or how about this folks - which brings a whole new slant out of the saying ‘Taking candy from a baby’s mouth’ - this sleaze-ball has pinched it before the baby has even been conceived!

Embriyocuların 40 bin Euroluk davası

Kıbrıs Türk Tüp Bebek Merkezi'nde çalışan Tonguz Çakmak ve Abdullah Arslan isimli iki embriyolog, merkezin kasasından 40 bin Euro çalmaktan tutuklandı. Polis, ismini açıklamadığı bir de hemşireyi arıyor

A rough translation of the above article which appear in KIBRIS 29/7/2008 is as follows:

Tonguz Cakmak and Abdullah Arslan have been arrested in connection with the theft of 40,000 Euros from the embryology clinic where they work. Police are also looking for a nurse who is suspected of being involved.

Cuddly little Tonguz Cakmak revealed!            and his coy looking accomplice Apo Arslan

Now it just happens that the father of one of those upstanding pillars of the community is none other than Dr Salih Cakmak,  yet another leading light sitting on his BOT in the BOTs. Well I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!

This brings me back to the lecturers who have put their livelihood on the line by trying to form a union. Given what has been going on over at EUL for probably the best part of two decades the few honest, hardworking members of faculty have more than enough reason to crave unionisation. Equally, those who appear not to share such values will do their utmost to protect their ill gotten gains and little scams that will add to the booty in the future.

So, it would appear that the Duce is only part of the problem over there; the whole Grand Council must take the lion’s share of responsibility for what’s been going on. Rumours are that the Duce won’t be returning to Cyprus after his summer holiday but will be replaced by another hapless academic from the mainland. That the BOTs issued a three year contract to the Bigonewhobehaves makes me think he won’t be going anywhere for if they do break the contract, the compensation package for him would have to be astronomical.

If anyone summons up the courage, it might be an interesting exercise to send a totally independent team of investigators and accountants over to EUL with the purpose doing a full audit going back at least 10 years. They would of course have a difficult job tracking down genuine receipts for expenditure because I doubt that few of those ever existed. But I am sure that with the necessary determination, body armour, nerves of steel, an amazing view of what’s gone where and to whom and then what’s been done with it will eventually become crystal clear. After all, if someone has the guts to send us documents and the like, (the first occasion being in 2003) there must be a few honest souls amongst the management of that dishonest place.

So, Warwick University thinks that EUL has improved over the past five years and signs an agreement with the place on the basis of those perceived improvements – coupled with the fact that Bigonewhobehaves is an old student of theirs! Well shame on you Warwick for slapping those in the face, who only want some of the democratic and legal rights that you take for granted and fought for in the 40s 50s and 60s in your country by people like those over at EUL, who still have to work under such an archaic and oppressive regime in 2008. Shame on you Warwick University for giving EUL a degree of respectability that it does not deserve by linking your name with it. Still Warwick University you might take heed of the old Swiss proverb ‘Sleep with the dog and you’re sure to get fleas!’

What is even more shameful is the behaviour of some of the sacked teacher’s colleagues. Not only did they fail to support those involved in a legitimate legal action, stood by whilst ‘riot police’ were brought in to man-handle their colleagues, some of whom were elderly professors, they also actively supported the ‘management’ by informing on those supporting the unionization of EUL: no doubt in a cynical attempt to curry favour with the BOTs and the rector. It would be unkind to Quisling to label them thus and those who behaved in such a way would be very wise to remember the following words, so often adapted and quoted but nonetheless particularly relevant in your case.

When they came for the foreigners,

I remained silent;

I was not a foreigner.

When they came for the liberals,

I remained silent;

I was not a liberal.

When they came for the homerfiles,

I remained silent;

I was not a Homerfile.

When they came for the democrats,

I remained silent;

I was not a democrat.

When they came for the media,

I remained silent;

I was not involved in the media.

When they came for the trade unionists,

I did not speak out,

I was not a trade unionist.

But now they have come for me,

There is no one left to speak out.

These students are now being allowed to continue their studies, but unfunded. That is, they are not teaching assistants anymore, and will need to pay full fees to continue.

Der Homerfile August 2008.

                           HOMERFILE JUNE 2008.

Now I know I promised an article about my recent trip to Paris with Reto but that will come later - in a couple of weeks or so. There is more than enough mayhem and skulduggery to follow without throwing the sufferings of the poor people of Paris into the equation. Reto has built up quite a fan club since his picture appeared on the website a few issues ago. Reto may have the charm and good looks of one side of his parentage but like his brother Urs, he doesn’t take well to proposals from the fairer sex. Reto goes through life oblivious to how he arrived here and firmly believes that all ladies should either smell of lavender, Soir de Paris, Ashes of Roses or cows and/or goats. I will explain the latter. He thinks that if ladies must work they should all work as milkmaids. He is also of the opinion that ladies always consume lots of money and as Reto quite rightly points out, ‘Nobody got rich by spending money’. Urs on the other hand who takes after his father in the good looks and brains department, is also a misogynist - a trait inherited - because like his papi, he spent more time with his mother than Reto and perhaps more dangerously with that awful Lucinda Batfart-Gibbs.

Another student is raped!

Just a few weeks after the horrific attack on a young Iranian student of GAU, another student was beaten a raped buy an ‘animal’ that tries to pass itself off as a human being. This student is studying at EMU/DAU and the rape took place in Famagusta. The student is recovering from the assault and has been offered support and counselling. This type of attack is becoming more and more common on both male and female students studying at universities in North Cyprus and remember the cases we hear of are likely to be the tip of a very large iceberg given the fact that many of the victims come from a strict Muslim backgrounds and are frightened of reporting such incidents knowing the likely reaction of  the authorities, their friends and family. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN VIRGINIA /UNVA CYPRUS etc. Accreditation cancelled

The University of Northern Virginia (UNVA) which also operates out of The American University (aka Girne American University) has lost its accreditation from ACICS in the USA. This means that UNVA diploma’s will no longer have the American accreditation from April 2008, this applies not only to the Campus situated in Manassas but to all overseas campus.

UNVA shows two board members from GAU on its website. We have spoken to several students at GAU and they have not been informed about the loss of accreditation and the UNVA logo is still clearly on display on campus. Whilst UNVA might still be accredited by the local accreditor YODAK (although this is by no means certain), YODAK accredited degrees are only recognised in North Cyprus.

GAU also claims a collaborative agreement with Troy University of Alabama. ISAS contacted Troy University about this and we were told that they could find no current collaboration agreement with any university in North Cyprus, but if one does exist the collaboration is unlikely to be more than what is available to any other universities belonging to paid up members of an association or club.

As always, ISAS-CH urges all interest students in obtaining a genuine American accredited degree to contact the US University in the first instance and then check with that university’s accreditation body. After doing that, ‘do a Google’ and see what comes up; do all this before signing anything or handing over any money. Oh and bye the way, we here that good ole GAU/UNVA are still registering students for next semester despite the loss of accreditation from acics. That GAU/UNVA is still doing this comes as no great surprise. However, we are surprised at the stupidity of those registering for such useless courses. I believe my old friend Bessie Braddock MP for Liverpool Exchange once commented, ‘You can legislate for most things but you can’t legislate to save people from their own stupidity’.

                                                    Battling Bessie Braddock

In GAU’s case they have advertised at least five associations, collaborations, joint diploma’s etc, with US universities recently and none of them have appeared to be of any great benefit to any student we have heard off. None of the collaborations have lasted for a full 4 year full degree period and you should therefore ask yourselves if you might not be better looking elsewhere for your ‘American’ diploma. Failing that, you could always buy a degree off the internet. Remember, Prof.Dr Ismet Esenyel of GAU did just that and he is Head of the Tourism Dept at GAU/The American University.

The annual fiasco of the graduation ceremony has taken place at GAU and as previous graduations, this fiasco lived up to our expectations or fears depending on how you look at it. Dignitaries started to arrive after 1800 as the ceremony was supposed to start at around 1900 but in the event started much later. One important guest decided he had had enough and left shortly after the opening speeches.

Then we were treated to a long rambling soliloquy by Hifzi the rector but not rector for much longer. Unfortunately, the sound system had broken down so no one could hear his great words of wisdom. We were able to watch his performance on the huge TV screen put up for those in the back rows, or those in hiding and in disguise that is until the sun went down. Being technologically challenged good ole GAU had forgotten to ensure that there was sufficient lighting for the cameras to work properly resulting in an almost black TV screen with dark sinister shadows moving hither and dither. What with an old guy rambling on to himself for half an hour, a sound system that didn’t produce much sound and an unwatchable giant screen displaying dark sinister ghosts, things were pretty normal. Normal that is until a punch-up broke out between those seated at the back and those standing in the walkways. It would appear that those sitting in the seats could not see the comedy of errors that was taking place on stage and took umbrage by shouting rude words at those blocking the view, who then took umbrage resulting in a punch up. GAU Security known as the SA turned up quickly to watch the punch up which proved far more interesting than anything going on elsewhere on campus.

As I mentioned, nice old Hifzi who I doubt has upset anybody in his life, argued with anyone but himself and especially not the dear one and the rest of the board of trustees is being put out to pasture. He is being replaced by a new modern model from Turkey and a lady no less. I hope someone has warned her that she has two ex-rectors as members of faculty, several rather dodgy looking doctorates proffered by shifty looking individuals from both at home and around the globe, and a Headboard at the helm of the board of trustees. Pinocchio calling the shots and a plagiariser heading one of the departments, not to mention another bogus doctor running the tourism dept. We wish her all the luck in the world because she is certainly going to need it. I wonder if she has got an ‘Amerikan Diploma’ from the ‘Amerikan style of education’ and a Yankee accent to go with it.

…and what’s going on in the English Prep School?  The head of department reappeared to sit on the throne a few weeks ago, only to disappear shortly afterwards. Has she upset someone? Watch this space folks.

Before I leave GAU, I saw a sign that I think sums the place up quite well. Maybe a new logo, oh dear one?

EUROPEAN UNIVERSITY OF LEFKE. EUL/LAU also known as EUHELL.

Seen the EUL overseas associate/collaboration page? Go on have a look and don’t take it too seriously. Some of the universities mentioned are uncontactable and most that are, deny any knowledge of agreements. One or two mention agreements made years ago that never came to anything and two of those universities, Sunderland University and Nottingham University have told EUL to remove their respectable names from EUL’s disreputable website. Coventry University has something called a memorandum of understanding which was signed a couple of years ago but it has not progressed further.

Warwick University appears not to have learned from the mistakes of SOAS and is in the process of setting up an MSc in Engineering Management through the manufacturing division of the school of engineering WMG. At around £25,000+ in fees it will be interesting to see if they get any takers. It might be wise to avoid Lefke for a while just in case you get caught up in the stampede. Warwick also claimed that the situation at EUL has improved since our website started: Funny that, students and academic staff at EUHELL tell a very different story. 

OK I know EUHELL is situated at the arse end of the world but it is not completely incommunicado. Warwick University seemed to have missed or turned a blind eye to what is going on over at EUL; rampant xenophobia, homophobia name any other phobia and it probably has it. At the time of a recent visit by representatives of Warwick University to EUL there was in progress a serious dispute between lecturers and the management which turned quite violent on at least two occasions resulting in arrests, injuries and criminal damage. Several lecturers had been suspended for the crime of joining a trades union in protest of a change of status for senior teachers, salaries, and working conditions. The university was to all intent and purpose unable to function for several weeks because of strike action. Students were unable to go to their lectures, the disruption cynically most seriously effecting students about to graduate in a couple of week’s time. Depending on which newspaper you read the strike appears to have been suspended last week but the dispute continues and threatens to get nasty again if the management doesn’t give in to the unions demands (I am using the terms management and unions advisedly as in Cyprus such terms do not relate to anything in the real world with the exception of somewhere like Zimbabwe or Burma lets say).

It has been reported by a union spokesperson that 60 academic staff members have left during the recent troubles at EUL. I would be surprised if that number is correct as I doubt that there are anywhere near that number of ‘genuine’ academics at the rotten place.

With its already dire reputation and now all this going on our advice is to look elsewhere for your future educational needs. Ever thought of Albania, Moldova, Zimbabwe or even Burma as possibilities! IF YOU VOLUNTARILY GO TO EUL WITH ALL THIS GOING ON YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELVES TO BLAME WHEN THINGS GO WRONG AND GO WRONG THEY CERTAINLY WILL!

July 5^th. It would appear that the BOTS and rector at EUL have surrendered to the teacher’s demands and re-instated 9 of the sacked teachers that were involved in the recent industrial dispute. On up for the teachers but watch your backs guys and gals because night and fog is rapidly closing in.

(BOTs: Board of Trustees, the sound of the acronym however is more descriptive bots =bottom =derriere =bums etc etc.

METU.NCC. 

And they’re off! Not to be outdone by EUL the director of the school of foreign languages, or SFL for short, Frau Dr Doris Schutt has lost 9 members of her academic staff. OK it’s not 60 but is almost 25% of her entire staff group!

METU have been advertising for teaching staff in the local press for more gluttons of punishment to take up the vacancies left as a result of the stampede by teachers to go ‘somewhere’, anywhere but METU.NCC!

Now, old Homerfile ever eager to be helpful would suggest that METU.NCC places an advert in the following publication which is bound to attract the right type to survive the Doris Schutt experience, ‘The good guide to BDSM: Bondage, Domination, Submission and Sadomasochism’. I can hear the chains rattling and whips cracking now in eager anticipation for what any successful applicant is about to receive.

Eastern Mediterranean University EMU/DAU.

Well what a kick in the goolies for poor old Prof. Dr Rusty Steel, the acting rector at EMU. He has been passed over for the top job in favour of woman! After all the careful ground work, which the unkind might describe as crawling and back stabbing, he has undertaken over the past few years, this is sure to bring a tinge of frustration to the former chairman of YODAK. Now maybe this is my misogynistic tendencies getting the better of me, but I wonder if there is some sort of plot going on here masterminded by the head of the ‘wimmins’ committee and champion of gay rights (with you there old girl) over at the Ministry of Education, Propaganda and Public Enlightenment? I wonder if Near East is about to appoint a gay rector or if one of the other luminaries here is going to be exposed as a cross dresser who prefers to be called Alison or Tanya when he is wearing his frock, or is it her frock or its frock or maybe to be on the safe side, their frock..

 Cyprus International University. CIU/UKU.

Just keeps rolling along like an old 2CV not getting anywhere very fast, certain to fail in the glamour stakes but providing basic Turkish Style education. Campus less cramped than it was and with a staff compliment almost all Turkish. Doesn’t make too many extravagant claims on its website save for using ‘international’ as a descriptive. Owners use Reto’s thought of money -nobody got rich by spending it - nonetheless CIU does provide the basics without any frills. Pretty awful location though.

Near East University. NEU/YDU.

This university has moved on leaps and bounds in the last five years to become the Flagship University of the TRNC. Huge investment in infrastructure and technology and has a management that is reasonably honest in its claims and expectations, although the Turkish higher education board YOK did appear less than happy about some of their advertised course when they visited NEU last month.

Academic staff salaries are pretty poor even by TRNC standards, but the staff turnover is not that great so we conclude that the lecturers are reasonably contented with their lot. Students that attend this university are fairly mixed bunch ability wise but the situation on campus seems to be calm. This is one of the few universities in Cyprus that can clam to be international but doesn’t feel the need to use the word in its title.

If you are going to go to North Cyprus to further your education this would be the place to consider. It has a long way to go to meet European/American academic standards but facilities and enthusiasm from management and staff would suggest that Near East University might get there in the end, not quickly, but at a steady pace. Give it look, ask questions and make your own mind up about the place.

In Memoriam

It is time once again to remember the death of EUL student Müjdat Köroğlu (20 yrs) who passed away on 31 May 2005. The circumstances leading up to his death are documented on this website and in the Turkish press. But despite this, many issues surrounding this young mans tragic death remain unresolved. Those who knew Mujdat won’t forget and some will never forgive those who were in anyway responsible for this young man’s death.

                                     Müjdat Köroğlu

GIRNE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY STUDENT SERIOUSLY INJURED IN SEXUALLY MOTIVATED ATTACK. click on link Home

                                       Homerfile March 2008.

 CIU/UKU        EMU/DAU     EUL/LAU       GAU       NEU/YDU       METU-NCC

UNVA Cyprus:-  Student information about the universities of North Cyprus.                       

I returned to the Gin Palace after an intended warm up elsewhere, only to find it warmer back in the mountains! Just before I returned, Urs phoned to say that he and Reto were going to look at an ATV bike for Reto to use rounding up the animals – except the cows - as he is frightened of them. “Well you have promised him for years” said Urs.

Reto, like all Swiss males have to do their military service unless they are physically or mentally disabled. We thought he might fall into the latter group because of ‘the noises in his head’ and were truly amazed when not only the army took him; he actually rose to the rank of Korporal (correct spelling in the Swiss Army before you write in). Ever since leaving, he has been obsessed with anything to do with uniforms and I was not surprised to see the type of vehicles that were parked in front of the house.

 ‘Hermann’ the Pinzgauer                      ‘Happy’ the Hafflinger

Apparently, the army had decided to decommission some of their vehicles on a ‘buy one get one free offer’. Always an eye for a bargain, Reto decided that these machines might fit the bill. “We just got shot of the other ‘Haffy’ and have you got any idea of how much that six wheeled monster is going to cost in petrol, and it’s leaking oil all over the driveway!”  “Don’t panic its diesel and the man said he would give us a refund if you wanted to send them back,” said Urs. The pleading look on Reto’s face told me that sending them back was a most unlikely option and that they were here to stay. Reto was pulling out all the stops in defence of his new friends, “They are very pretty and very practical he pleaded and they were very very very cheap (unlikely I thought) and they are Austrian!”  “So was Ernst Kaltenbrunner and so for that matter was his doppelganger your mother,” I replied. “Urs said my mother was a nun in the Congo and I was an immaculated contraction.” “Well he’s wrong, your mother is - present tense - a nun of sorts and in Sicily last time I heard and whilst I occasionally might like to wish otherwise, you were certainly not an immaculate contraction-conception.” “When did she leave the Congo then,” he asked. I don’t thing she was ever in the Congo, Urs must be getting muddled up with Audrey Hepburn.” Urs, trying to clear up the confusion made matters worse; “I didn’t say she was in the Congo, I said she was in a convent.” “What is a convent and is this Audrey Heartburn my mother?” asked a confused Reto. Shut up you arse said Urs. Don’t call your brother an arse I said.

Reto, not quite finished said, “If Urs is my brother, is Aubrey Heatburn his mother or father as well, and who is this Ernst Kaltenbrunner I need to know because when people get angry with me they keep threatening they will tell my father, and there I was thinking you etc, etc, ad infinitum.” To cut a long story short, we are keeping the vehicles. 

                                                      This is not Reto’s mother

                                                       They just look similar.                               

Note I haven’t mentioned the war, yet! Back to our old friend…

GIRNE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

Is this the start of a degree of honesty from the good ol ‘Amerikan’ university? Have they finally given up trying to teach in English? Well I doubt it but they have just signed yet another of those collaboration agreements the ‘dear one’ is so fond of. This one looks promising; though as it is with The Turkic Linguistics and Culture Academy based in that cradle of democracy the Kyrgyz Republic, which has the unenviable position of being worse off than the average North Korean!

Now here’s a funny thing, I did a Google search for the Turkic Linguistic and Culture Academy in the Kyrgyz Republic and couldn’t find it anywhere. We typed in the name of the visiting ‘high level dignitary,’ Dr Konkonbaev and the only mention of him appears on a page posted by GAU. Whilst there in North Cyprus, the said dignitary had a meeting with the Education minister and head of the ‘Wimmins’ Committee Dr Canan Öztoprak (note Öztoprak and not Oztropak as it appears on the GAU website and their press release which has the minister sounding like a carry home pack of astro turf).

GAU seems to have got rid of its rector Dr Hifzi Doğan replacing him with a close relative Dr. Hizi Dogan, and before Hifzi gets in a tizzy, it’s not us taking the pissy but it’s what appears on his website! To put it in the Amerikan style of speaking “well I’ll be dawg gone”

Assuming the Turkic Linguistics and Culture Academy exists and is not a satellite of GAHOO or something equally awful, one is drawn to presume that Turkic Linguistics will be taught in Turkish and not Turklish; although being drawn to presume can be a dangerous thing to do over there!

GAU has opened a new department of ‘Oil and Gas management. No don’t get excited, it only attempts to cash in on the hot air and gas emitted from the management and academic staff and is nothing serious. I wonder how long it will be before someone trips over the hoses connected to a member of the management’s ass!

Oh and they are now advertising a dual degree with poor old Troy University in Alabama. God only knows what the Fightin Lil Judge and Lurleen would make of that, but you can be sure George would have something to say!

                                          “…and I’m a tellin you one last time sonny, take your grits

                        and git, I don’t give chicken shit who sent y’all. You ain’t a

                        gettin in ma university here no matter what and you can

                                tell that straight to Dr Bullshit, the President and the dear one”.

EUROPEAN UNIVERSITY OF LEFKE - EUL/LAU.

Now this is the point when things start getting a little bit surreal and Homerfile actually thinks he might have been a little unkind to the ‘chemical Ali’ of North Cyprus.

The Bigonewhobehaves, Rector of EUL, came under some criticism when he took over the reigns from his dire predecessor at EUL, agent orange, who’s only real claim to fame was to have given birth, metaphorically speaking to Homerfile.

Much of the criticism was the huge salary he had been offered by the then Board of Trustees, or BOTs for short. The BOTs change faces as quickly as the late Marcel Marceau, a sort of here today, gone tomorrow group of largely politically appointed waste of spaces (Talking of which GAUs former golden boy and EULs something or other, and lately Minister of the Environment, Asim Vehbi, has just bitten the dust. Wonder where he will re-appear). Anyway, as an endless list of business men and politicians have been milking poor old EUL since it was founded, at least the spoils are being shared I suppose. But credit where credit is due, at least this Rector has got off his bum and is trying to do something to alleviate the impending disaster about to face most of the ‘universities’ in North Cyprus, a further drastic drop in student numbers.

 The Bigonewhobehaves and his merry band of roadies or should that be toadies, have gone on a comeback tour of the Black Sea cities and towns in a vain attempt to woo back Turkish students to EUL. The whole event is a little like Dorothy Squires London Palladium Concert in the 70s but without the glamour, Bigonewhobehaves is no match for our dotty.  

      Amca Bigonewhobehaves    Prof. Dr. Elif Ayno        The late but great 

                                                                 Dorothy Squires.                                   

isas-ch has always taken the view that Turkish parents and prospective students are in a better position to find out about the so called universities in North Cyprus, institutions that are regularly featured in the Turkish media, usually negatively, compared to some of them I am quite positive! Our concern is for the student from further afield who does not speak Turkish; in some cases hasn’t got a clue about the  political problems associated with the non recognised North Cyprus, the resultant degree they will be presented with at the end of their two or four year course, in terms of its international validity. Some students, particularly from Africa and Pakistan, have been mislead into thinking that North Cyprus is in the EU and that the universities there will come under some form of EU control. North Cyprus is not a member of the EU and is unlikely to be for the foreseeable future if the Greek South Cyprus administration has its way. Not that we are advocating that universities in South Cyprus are any better in the honesty department than those in the North -because they are not.

Should a Turkish national decide to take a place at a North Cyprus university they have the distinct advantage over any non Turkish student in that they will be able to follow the lectures, which although advertised as being given in some form of English, will in reality be mainly given in Turkish. So at least by going to the Black Sea region of Turkey where they do speak Turkish and where they do have access to reports about their university from the media, EUL are at least introducing a modicum of honesty into their activities.

Now if EUL would stop calling itself European, stop its futile attempt to very occasionally teach in English and most importantly, stop trying to con overseas students into thinking there is anything remotely European, or for that matter international about the place, isas-ch would be in the vanguard of heralding its Turkish credentials. Forget EUL, how about TUL - the Turkish University of Lefke? With such a name it would be going a long way towards being recognised as the only honest university in North Cyprus. Amca Bigonewhobehaves, we salute you (in one way or the other) and your honest initiative, and here’s hoping that it might continue.

Now you all thought I had gone soft in the head, all those nice words about EUL didn’t you?  Well back to reality!

In the spirit of brotherly love and in an attempt to enhance its European credentials good old EUHELL had a brief flirt with democracy this month when someone thought it might be an idea to join a trade union, or a trade onion as it’s called over there. So, equally in the spirit of EU ideals, what did the management at EUL do? They gave the perpetrator their marching orders-probably branding them an alcoholic drug crazed cross dresser with homophile/trans-gender tendencies and commie ideals behind their backs! There have been a number of demonstrations as well as industrial action at EUL. It is rumoured that a number of the strikers have been arrested and will be put up against the wall and shot, if the rest of those ungrateful staff members, don’t get back to work and forget any idea of forming anything resembling a trade union or onion. They originally arrested students it is rumoured, but later released them as they were more valuable than academic or administrative staff. All this from a board of trustees biased toward the caring sharing pretend socialist party presently in government, which calls itself CTP. Sources tell us that the whole debacle is likely to end up in court. Can’t help feeling that given the quality of teaching at EUL and other universities over there, teachers are overpaid and under-worked anyway! If the purpose of the union is to be to attain pecuniary advantage, maybe the BOTS have got a point. Why the hell should a student at EUL ,or anywhere else, pay more for a very sub-standard education to those who’s sole ambition is greed: because it is the student that will pay, the KKTC government hasn’t got the money to pay existing salaries yet alone higher ones.

EASTERN MEDITTERAINIAN UNIVERSITY-EMU or Rusty Steel’s gaff.

The rector of EMU, Prof. Dr Rusty Steel (Tahir Celik), has declared that the good ship lolly pop (EMU) has signed an agreement with Washington State University USA. Which should have Washington States other claim to fame- its favourite son the late Bing Crosby- turning in his grave, always assuming its true of course!

                                  “Bing here, EM who?”

Life at the gin palace is always interesting in one way or another. We have been getting strange messages on our telephone in French which neither of the boys speaks that well. Odd I thought as the caller keeps referring to me as his little black rabbit.

Reto has been on ‘operation clean up’ again to make room for his new trucks. We thought that having found the hurdy girdy and his Zaporoshets it would be safe to let him in the barn again, but oh what a mistake to make. Urs, Thierry, Hairy Ali and I were enjoying the glorious sunshine and having a picnic, when our peace was shattered as all hell let loose from the barn.

Dogs, cats, goats, chickens and the donkey ran terrified at the devilish noise being emitted from the barn. It was a sort of deep rumbling sound, a little like that awful anthem GAU plays at its functions, but it wasn’t. Hairy Ali thought it was a recording of a speech by Golda Meier and went deathly pale but then it speeded up

‘The night is bitter, and stars have lost their glitter,

The winds grew colder and suddenly you’re older,

 And all because of the man that got away”

It's Judy! exclaimed Thierry launching into a passable impersonation of La Garland at Carnegie Hall. I always thought that Thierry could have been a friend of Dorothy since Jacques and Gilles, the boys from Nancy adopted him from the streets of Belleville (Paris), after meeting him in Parc de Belleville (close to where Edith Piaf spent her childhood). The Parc de Bellville has a similar reputation to Girne old harbour wall or so I’m told and what’s more according to Reto, Thierry has got an earring in the wrong ear which makes him a dead cert not to get a job at EUL.

                         Part of the Parc de Belleville in the 20th arrondissement of Paris

He has found your old Wurlitzer said Urs holding his ears, as indeed we all were by now.

I had forgotten about the jukebox and was wondering why it had been put in the barn, then remembering that the volume control had a habit of sticking on full. Reto loved the Wurlitzer when he was a toddler and would spend hours upon end looking at the thing in amazement. Urs always said it reminded him of Reto’s mother, Loud, bold, brassy and flashy, which I thought a little unkind as she could never have been described as flashy, fleshy maybe, but definitely not flashy. It also I recalled, caused Knockwurst, Reto’s long departed black cat to have epileptic fits, or was it his mother?

                                                       .

                                                            Wurlitzer Jukebox

By the time I had fought my way into the barn through stampeding animals, Judy had finished and we were now being serenaded by Marlene Dietrich singing the EUL anthem.

“Want to buy some illusions, slightly used, second-hand,

They were lovely illusions, reaching high, built on sand,

They had a touch of paradise, a spell you can’t explain,

For in this crazy paradise you are in love with pain….”

Turn that bloody thing down I yelled at Reto. “What I can’t hear you,” said Reto “but doesn’t the lovely lady sing real nice” he added.

“I’ll sell them all for a penny, they make pretty souvenirs,

Take my lovely illusions, some for laughs, some for tears.”

 Thus concluded the lovely lady.

I just got to the switch in time to stop Al Jolson bursting into Hatikvah, The National Anthem of Israel, which would have caused a problem with Hairy Ali I am sure. Don’t you dare plug that in again until the volume switch is working and do your shoe laces up before you fall over. “Can I have it in my bedroom pleaded Reto?” “No you can’t yelled Urs,” before I got the chance to reply. “If you behave and we can fix the volume control you can put it in the conservatory,” something I immediately regretted saying as I wasn’t sure the glass would survive. Reto was ferreting through a box of 78s when he exclaimed in great triumph “Look I found one of my mum’s records, ‘The Nuns Chorus’ from Casanova” sung by Anni Frind! “Oh Jesus groaned Urs Not the bloody nun thing again. Look little brother your mother is not Audrey Hepburn or Anni Frind, She is not in the Congo, neither did she make records, so stop being an arse Reto,” said Urs a shade patronizingly. Don’t call your brother an arse I said. “What is a Nuns Chorus asked Reto and is Anni Frind my mum and who is Casanova?” “I need to know these things because when people get angry with me…”

I managed to fix the volume switch with a squirt of ‘3in1’ so we loaded the jukebox onto a sack barrow and all five of us managed to manoeuvre the thing into the conservatory.

We had a great plugging in ceremony when another reason why it had been confined to the barn became obvious; the Juke lit up like a Christmas tree - all purples vivid greens and reds. Urs was given the honour of pressing the button whilst Reto waited expectantly for Artie Shaw-and got…

“This is the story of the happy prince” boomed the voice of Orson Welles.

Now for those not familiar with ‘The Happy Prince’, one might be forgiven to think that I was being disingenuous in calling it morbid, but what with a little swallow plucking out the princes eyes, a story made even more mournful by the dulcet tones of Bing Crosby, who is not the rector over at EMU, it wasn’t long before the bird dropped dead from cold and the Happy Prince’s heart had broken, that Reto had burst into tears again. Ali quickly pressed another button and we were all cheered up by “Down on Jollity Farm.”

Ali and Urs decided to cook something for dinner and Thierry went to lay down for a rest; it appears that his Judy Garland performance had worn him out. I switched the Juke to random play and Reto and I settled down on the sofa. “I am off to Paris in a few weeks Reto, would you like to come with me?” I said. “Just you and me he asked? Yes because Urs has got to stay and look after the creatures. I really, really, really, want to come he said because I want to go into Molyneux to buy a posh frock. Molyneux closed down years ago, long before you were born but I am sure we can find a posh frock at Balmain or Dior but why do you want a frock?”  It appears that he had promised to buy his girlfriend a dress from Molyneux when he was rich and famous. He was four at the time he is now 19 and Hannilore is now 20, married to Kurt, has a pretty little baby girl and is running a chocolate shop in Klosters, but Reto was adamant and a promise is a promise, and now he was about as rich and famous as he was likely to get. “OK I said, the time will be all yours except that I have to go to ‘my office’ to see a friend but you can go for a swim in the Piscine des Tourelles.” “That’s my favouritest (sic) place in all the universe exclaimed Reto!”  That settled I made a mental note of popping in to have a word with Kurt about Reto’s 15 year old promise just in-case he got the wrong idea.

          Reto’s ‘favouritest place in all the universe and just a short distance from ‘My Office’

During dinner the phone rang again ‘Mon petit lapin noir est rentré au clapier’ * I looked at the boys and asked, “do you know anything about black rabbits?”  Reto made an interesting comment that we had a lot of strange phone calls about rabbits last year “when that stinky Lucinda ‘le pétomane’ ** was around”, but she always told him that if he said anything nobody would believe him because he was a wicked creature. “She was always talking about a region, but I couldn’t understand which one; they just kept saying gau gau and  cuddly wuddly ferret face from time to time,” said Reto. GAU means a region in German and he had mistakenly thought the conversation was about a Swiss Canton rather than a place of ill repute some three hours flying time away! As for the cuddly wuddly ferret face, I have an idea who he is.

Well as you can see, everything here is as tickity boo as ever, despite the weather not being able to make its mind up if its winter or spring. Urs is looking forward to a week or so of peace and tranquillity when I go off with Reto to his ‘favouritest place in the whole universe’. Paris is no doubt now on high alert status.

With Reto in bed and the snow falling outside, I couldn’t but help think how fantastic modern technology is. In that in just three hours it was possible for the combined efforts of Swiss International and the Schweizerische Budesbahnen to transport anyone from mayhem in the Eastern Med, to relative calm and order. It also struck me that the poor people of Paris, and especially the 20th arrondissement, where ‘the office’ is, might well be thinking that it would take about the same for them to be able to prepare for, and experience the resultant chaos of a visitation from Reto.

Urs came into the room with a cup of Milo for me. “You must know that I really do love little bro don’t you, he said. Its just that at times he can be so wearing don’t you think?” That rhetorical question meet with a knowing smile from me. Another 78 went crashing down onto the turntable of the Wurlitzer just as I was thinking of Cyprus:

“The sun comes up and the sun goes down,

The hands on the clock keeps turnin around,

I just get up and its time to lie down,

Life gets tee-jus don’t it.”

 I should have listened to Carson Robison and his ‘Pleasant Valley Boys’ years ago I guess!

  Der Homerfile 03/2008

*   For the linguistically challenged. ‘My little black rabbit had returned to his hutch’

** le Pétomane. The fart maniac.

                          Homerfile Winter 2008 Pt 2

Good old CH is living up to its reputation of being the winter wonderland of the rich and famous, the haunt of film stars, pop stars, honest politicians and equally honest bankers. Not to mention real universities, the resorts of Davos, St Moritz, Geneva, Zurich, Shirley Bassey and Roger Moore Mr 007 himself. It is even rumoured that real Nazi’s live in the mountains with their gold, and then there’s Homerfile brewing up another pot of mountain stew!

Christmas passed quietly after the pre-Christmas activity. Urs got all he wanted except the Ferrari from Father Christmas and Reto got more than he wanted except the Harley motor bike. His action man doll arrived, and I got a shock when that came out of the wrapping paper I can tell you! I guess you could call it anatomically correct (however exaggerated), although Reto doesn’t seem to have noticed yet. Urs found it in a shop down in Chur called ‘Dorothy’s Cavern’ which seems to specialize in odd things. Hairy Ali says it is his favourite shop.

       Even Puke got a new outfit.                                         Reto’s Pride and Joy!

Urs and Ali went skiing during Christmas afternoon and I must admit to being a little concerned. Urs is fine on or off piste, but Ali is a little like me; OK on the straight bits, but no good on corners, or avoiding obstacles like bloody posing Krauts from Berlin in their designer ski wear ja ja jaring all over the place, and generally getting in the way. Monks on snow scooters used to be a problem but the chief honcho up at the monastery has forbidden the brothers to ride them anymore. We still have to use one for collecting shopping and rounding up escaping animals. It’s a Kamikaze snowmobile or something or the other and Reto is expert at whipping up the eggs for omelettes when he collects them from the monastery!

                                       Omelette for lunch - Kamikaze in action!

Reto and I settled down in front of the ‘tele’ to watch some of the DVD’s he got for Christmas. Courage of Lassie, Challenge for Lassie, Lassie Come Home, Dog of Flanders, Greyfriars Bobby, etc., by the time we got to Ol Yeller I was longing for a bonio or two. I forgot that Ol Yeller was a bit of a weepy so had a tearful Reto to cope with. He soon cheered up after he had consumed the best part of my box of chocolates - but back to all this later because I have the latest gossip to relate concerning:

GIRNE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

Isas-ch has received reports (5^th March, 2008) concerning a serious physical and sexual assault upon a GAU female Iranian student, by two Nigerian males. Click link here  ISAS News Page

Now you remember they had an out break of very ‘dodgy’ doctorates at GAU not long ago? Well you would think a university with the ‘Amerikan style’ of education and an ‘international reputation’ to keep up, (well at least that is what the blurb on their website says) and also in the process now of trying to woo the sheik of ‘Araby’  they would have taken more care in the future.

A student wrote to us recently telling us that their lectures were a little unorthodox and the lecturer didn’t appear to have a clue “what he was talking about.” Nothing new there then! However, this particular ‘academic’ is head of the tourism department and “should at least know something about the subject he has a PhD in she exclaimed.” A PhD, mercy me he must be a genius then! Then again, given the quality of some of the PhD’s both real, and imagined, knocking around over there, not to mention diplomas from Harvard and London, probably not.

This particular ‘Doctor’ appears on the GAU website and seems to have acquired an MBA from South-Eastern University -which was ‘cosy-cosy’ with GAU about seven years ago- a little like UNVA is, or might/might not be at the moment, or like NAU might or might not be in the future. It was a little unclear what the extent of the relationship actually was, but I would guess it was to make the ‘Amerikan’ part of GAU look vaguely credible.

Cypriot men are notoriously vain and from the picture on the GAU website, this one looks like he has been well ‘touched up,’ appearing to be about 18 years old. By doing some additions, nine years at GAU, twelve years at various other jobs and no mention of the at least 8 years he has been at good ‘ol Gahoo’, plus four years as a student at GAU and probably another couple at South-Eastern: 9+12+8+4+2=35 plus the 17 years he would have wasted growing up to be old enough to enrol as a student in the first place: 17+35=52. Friends who know the ‘genius Doctor’ said that when they knew him as a student, his English was pretty crap, so that’s at least another year in the FEP, then there is at least 3 years preparing for his doctorate, not to mention the many years he would have spent writing peer reviewed publications to be eligible for the rank of Professor (stated in GAU’s background information) see below or link as follows: http://www.gau.edu.tr/cv/ismetesenyel.html . Now I have lost count but that must make him around 101 years old, or failing that a close relative of Peter Pan!

So to the PhD: The venerable Professor Dr Ismet ESENYEL, aged around 101, acquired his PhD from FAIRFAX UNIVERSITY (now) based in the Cayman Islands with a telephone contact number in the UK!

Now, old Homerfile isn’t suspicious by nature, and not one to hold a grudge against anyone, harmless soul that I am but this looked very odd to me. So I got Urs to do some checking and guess what he came up with, the PhD is about as real as the Pieter Brueghel masterpiece that hangs in the rear hall of the gin palace! (CHF250 framed from Von Kopfs Art Emporium if you’re interested).

                       Not the REAL Pieter Brueghel masterpiece! 

FAIRFAX UNIVERSITY IS A FRAUD! It is one of those ‘life experience’ diploma mills you get on the internet offering you a PhD for a set sum, with no or little academic input from the student who buys the said PhD diploma’s they issue, and use the fake diploma it to their advantage. Fairfax University should not be confused with the University of Fairfax which is legitimate, accredited institution. The fake Doctor is also a member of SKAL International. This has nothing to do with neither the Skull and Bones organization nor the Freemasons.

The degrees issued by Fairfax University are not accredited and it is a criminal offence to issue and use such degrees in most countries around the world, but not it would appear in North Cyprus. 

A Swedish minister was forced to remove his ‘Fairfax University MBA’ from his CV when it hit the newspapers follow this link http://www.thelocal.se/7644/20070619/ and an American Politician also was embarrassed by her claim of  degree by another well know ‘diploma mill university’

“A minor scandal erupted in the United States in 2003 when it emerged that a PhD claimed by the Homeland Security Department's deputy chief information officer, Laura Callahan, was from Hamilton University of Wyoming, a known diploma mill.”

Source: Savage, J. (2007. 19.06) Minister’s MBA ‘came from degree mill’, [On-line] http://www.thelocal.se/7644/20070619/ accessed 15/02/08

Also there is a blog you might like to look at concerning ‘Fairfax University’ in the distance learning forums: http://forums.degreeinfo.com/showthread.php?t=24407&highlight=fairfax

The thing is, good ole GAU seems to think that such degrees are perfectly acceptable, and as all appointments to professor level have to be approved by YODAK and YÖK, so presumably do they as well? That is always assuming they have been told. Well they have now!

Keep in mind that this is only one of the few staff profiles you can actually access on the GAU website. Many bods claiming PhDs and MA status appear on the site, but the actual details haven’t been posted, mercifully some might say neither have their photos.  I wonder why such info is missing; given that this one was listed begs the question what’s hidden in the profiles that have been withheld! What about these PhDs allegedly ‘in progress’? Oh Yeh, just like mine in Nuclear Physics I guess!

Of course this isn’t the first time academic plagiarism, doggy doctorates and bastard BA’s have been exposed at GAU and other universities on the island. The thing is those other universities appear to be doing something about it. The European University of Lefke, hardly the greatest seat of tertiary learning in the universe, did at least get shot of their bogus doctors when they were exposed on this website; that they acted fairly quickly is some credit to them. Another ‘Professor’ departed from EMU shortly after we notified YÖK, and the Rector at EMU, that a book he had published in his name was in fact a ‘cut and paste’ job of other academics’ work. That he now appears on GAU’s academic list as a head of department speaks volumes for the standards at GAU, but is of no surprise to us here. But it doesn’t end there. The brotherhood is investigating claimed PhDs from Australia, the old USSR, UK, AFRICA, USA, and other places from around the globe. This all takes time but they will get there in the end. We will not publish anything about any individual that we are not certain about; but please note, when we do discover fraud on this scale we will notify all relevant agencies worldwide, especially those who are sending students to the universities involved. There’s more coming up on this topic, of that you can be sure! Perhaps those involved with such people and institutions might like to remember this old French/Swiss proverb: “Qui se couche avec les chiens se lève avec des puces”.

                                                     An Alpine Lodge

 The Dear One of GAU gave an interview to one of the local Cyprus newspapers which was faxed to us. In the article the interviewer asked, "what does it feel like being one of the top 1000 universities in the world?" Of course GAU is nothing of the sort, but interestingly the dear one made no attempt to correct the obvious mistake- but then again perhaps he misunderstood the question?

From:  http://www.gau.edu.tr/cv/ismetesenyel.html   last accessed 15/02/08 on http://www.gau.edu.tr/Eng/PageContents.aspx?ContentID=101&MenuParentID=23 GAU’s academic staff page listing.

Background:

Ismet Esenyel is the head of the Tourism and Hospitality Management Department at Girne American University in North Cyprus.He has a PhD in Tourism and Hospitality Management from Fairfax University and an MBA in International Business Management from Southeastern University Washington D.C.He is the first graduate of Tourism and Hospitaliity Management department of Girne American University that was established in 1990.Before taking up the position of Professor at Girne American University, he worked for various hotels in North Cyprus in different positions such as Front Office Manager, Human Resource Manager and Assistant General Manager for 12 years. He is still acting as a General Coordinator of a 5 star hotel brand in North Cyprus. Professor Esenyel is also a member of the tourism science and advising committee of the Tourism and Economics Ministry of North Cyprus.Professsor Esenyel`s research interests include destination management policies , destinations brand imaging, vocational school training for hospitality and agro village tourism. His professional memberships include UNWTO ( United Nation World Tourism Organisation ) ( Affiliate Memeber ) Hotel Catering International Management ( HCIMA), and SKAL International Kyrenia. He is also the director of the Young Skal Club in Girne American University.

Publications:

·                                 Ismet Esenyel “Potential Tourist Marketing Demand Analysis of Cyprus “ Opatya Croatioa 2005

·                                 Ismet Esenyel “ Tourist Expenditure Survey of Cyprus under the perspective of Destinations Management Approach” 2006 UNWTO Ulysses Conference Publication

·                                 Ismet Esenyel “ New Tourism Trends in North Cyprus “Cyprus Turkish Hoteliers Association “ Monthly Tourism Magazine Publication Feb.2006

·                                 Ismet Esenyel “ Academic Perspective on North Cyprus Tourism “ Cyprus Turkish Hoteliers Association “Monthly Tourism Magazine Publication Nov.2006

New Year in Switzerland

New Year in Upper Engadin is always quiet but full of tourists enjoying the beautiful countryside - not to mention the ski slopes! St Moritz remains decadent and expensive and is a magnet for tourists from all over the world. The rich and famous congregate here during the winter months along with the wannabees and thinktheyares. But the Engadin is a vast area of natural beauty and there are areas around the resorts of Zuos and St Moritz that are still remote – fortunately, the Gin Palace is in such an area, its only near neighbour being a religious order some distance away further along the mountain track.

The highest peak in the area is the magnificent Piz Bernina which along with the rest of the mountain range, acts as a shelter from the worst of the winter storms for the upper and lower Engadin. Engadin translates from Romansh to English as Garden of the Inn; the Inn being the major river running through the Engadin.

                                                                        Piz Bernina

If you are young and fit there is no better way to explore than by skis in the winter and walking in the summer. I have already noted my ability, or lack of, on a pair of ski’s elsewhere and one might have guessed that Reto is completely uncoordinated. The Kamikaze will seat two adults at a pinch and will ‘putt-putt’ along merrily all day on a minimum amount of fuel. Urs still smitten with his new skis, and Ali the grateful recipient of his old ones, decided to go down to buy in essential supplies on New Years Eve. Reto and I intended to follow on the snowmobile. Reto tends to dress for -50c and ends up looking like a colourful Michelin Man. I look like a Michelin Man without the need to dress up, but then this is to be expected in old age, as Hairy Ali tells me!

                                   The Nearest Village would be referred to as a City in Cyprus!

We were planning a New Years bash for some of the Palestinian students which looked like being ‘real lively’ as Alcohol and ‘wimmin’ were to be restricted by order of a misogynist no doubt. Urs had stashed a bottle of his ‘Warninks Advocaat’ somewhere, and Reto and I had hidden several bottles of Jim Beam in strategic locations. The only possible fly in the ointment was that the power might go off due to the cold weather we were having.

Arriving in the village, I sent Reto off to find a supply of torch batteries, string and electric cable so that we might extend our emergency lighting options; Urs and Ali went off to track down some ham and special sausages. So I retired to  the tea shop where the waitresses are always dressed just like they were in Betty’s Tea Rooms (St Helens Square, York, England), and also like the waiters wear in my favourite coffee house in the whole universe Der Café Prücket (Stubenring 24, Vienna, Austria). Although a more modest establishment, our town coffee house does a wicked Chocolate Truffle Torte with cream - I am allowed on my diet, honest! I ordered a portion for me and a double portion for Reto -who has the amazing ability to eat and eat without putting on a kilo- who had just arrived after buying the batteries, etc.

Whilst having our coffee and cake I couldn’t help but notice that the Geismeyer’s -our local busybodies- kept looking in our direction and talking in whispers. Reto gave them one of his ‘finger’ salutes which seemed to do the trick. I wonder what they are gossiping about, I said to our waitress Frau Lotto; “All and nothing as usual I guess”  Reto chimed in. “They were in the hardware shop just now when I was buying the batteries sticking their noses in, big sticky beaks!” Reto shouted across the room. Mrs Geismeyer has an enormous beak like nose and is known as ‘Budgie Geismeyer’ locally. They are supposed to have arrived in Switzerland after the fall of the Berlin Wall, and it is rumoured that they were both STASI officers in the old GDR. Herr Erich Geismeyer, also known as ‘kleiner schwanz’ is also rumoured to be a bit of a peeping tom. He has this disgusting habit of always ‘playing with his spare francs’ as Urs describes it. Urs has also given him the nickname of Herr Hitchcock which is lost on those not understanding colloquial English like Reto, who is still patiently waiting for an explanation. Herr Geismeyer has been caught more than once looking through someone’s keyhole. Now both in their late 60s they are generally despised around the village, but I try to remain just sociable as they know a source for spares for Yilli the Trabant.

Urs and Ali turned up just as we left the Coffee House. They had managed to track down a huge ham, a nice selection of sausages; there was Cervelat, Schublig, Kalberwurst and Landjaegers, along with a selection of Veggie sausages for Reto, Urs and I. The Cervelat is an endangered species if the EU gets its way. AKA as the peoples sausage, it is wrapped in part of a Brazilian cows stomach and there are fears of mad cow disease. Interestingly enough, Batfart-Gibbs used to consume enormous quantities of the things so there might be something in those fears after all, and what’s more, they used to give her terrible wind. I gather that the issue of the EU ban and their attempt to force their decisions on us still ‘neutral’ and not a member of The Forth Reich, is about to go to parliament; at least that’s what Urs said was reported in the Neue Zürcher Zeitung a few days ago. In fact we have all joined the ‘Hands off Our Sausage’ campaign despite being recent converts to Quorn.

Back to the ‘gin palace’ is up hill all the way, so Urs and Ali tied themselves to the snowmobile and we towed them back up the mountain. We arrived back around 3pm so decided to relax before getting ready for the party. Reto wanted to put another of his new DVDs on so with fear and trepidation we awaited the next shaggy dog story. Wrong! It was actually a very good film called Napola, a film about male students (misogynists I guess) at a school in Germany during the period I mustn’t mention. It had a very sad ending again so we had the usual grief from Reto. Urs said that it reminded him of the school he finished up at - except the SS black shirts were replaced by monks in black cassocks!

Our guests started to arrive around 9.30pm. Along with the students came some of their Professors who were already drunk, anticipating a dry house. I told Reto to keep a close eye on our stash of bourbon as one or two of those professors look decidedly shifty to me. With the party in full swing midnight came around so quickly we almost missed it. Unfortunately, we had left Urs in charge of the music and instead of getting Auld Lang Syne by Kenneth McKellar; we got Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland which set Reto off again. 

Around two in the morning I heard a commotion at the door and went to see what was going on. There were five policemen standing in the hall which I wrongly assumed were part of the entertainment. Herr Wolf? I don’t know who this Herr Wolf fellow is but they have always called me Herr Wolf who lives up the mountain, so I nodded the affirmative. I am so sorry to disturb you tonight of all nights but we had a report of a terrorist cell meeting here. To cut a long story short. Those bloody Geismeyer’s of STASI fame had been eves-dropping on Reto’s conversation at the hardware store. He had told the assistant that he needed thirty long life batteries and a roll of two core cable. The shop owner casually asked why he needed so many batteries and Reto quite innocently replied “Its for our party tonight as we have lots of Palestinians coming.” They chose not to listen to the last sentence explaining that the items were needed to rig up emergency lighting! Anyway we all had a good laugh about nasty old Geismeyer, who was probably at that very minute looking through someone’s keyhole playing with his spare francs.

                                     A STASI New Years bash pre 1989

Everyone had gone by 3.30am so we went off to bed having had a memorable New Year party. I was woken up about an hour later by a loud explosion. I checked that Reto was still in bed, which he was, and bumped into Urs on the stairs. “What was that?” Urs said. Must have been the avalanche control people using too much explosives again. A few minutes later the phone rang. It was Hairy Ali’s friend, One Eyed Farouk. “The Geismeyers will be causing you no more problems as their house was just blown to smithereens, a gas leak it would seem”. Well isn’t that kind of spooky I said to Urs, just as well we cleared up all that confusion about the batteries as I might have had some explaining to do. Urs said “You are sure Reto is still in bed”?  Still, all is well that ends well and everything here is tickity boo again.

Der Homerfile Jan/Feb 2008.

Homerfile - Winter 2008 -  Part 1

 First of all, my apologies for the delay in replying to letters sent to me via the isas-ch mail box. I will get round to answering them in detail and hope that you have received an acknowledgement e-mail by now.

I like to try to answer your letters either directly or indirectly in the Homerfile, others that relate to you personally are replied to individually. A recent letter made a good point. The writer asked; “Would it not be an idea to state all the good points about the universities featured on this website in one general statement. Could that statement appear at the beginning of the next article?” I see their point, but often there is very little good news to report, but I will do my best.

Of the six universities situated in the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus (TRNC) only one can genuinely claim to be a truly ‘international’ style institution, and only then because of the fact that it is the annex to the main university in Ankara. METU.NCC is METU in name and shares many of the qualities of its parent university, however, in our opinion it is not at the same level of excellence as the Ankara campus, and is unlikely to be so in the foreseeable future. It also seems to have some difficulty in hanging on to its genuine native speakers of English -another just having flown the coup- although we understand voluntarily this time.  

The remainder of the universities are really Turkish universities of a moderate to low standard; some of whom claim an international identity by naming itself ‘American/European,’ etc. All should teach in English but in many cases they don’t. Those that do, the level is so appallingly low that any graduating student visiting London, would have difficulty in asking the way from South Africa House to Nelsons Column (it’s about 50 metres to the west in the same Trafalgar Square!). Claims of accreditation, international recognition, international awards, academic qualifications, etc., need to be take with a very large pinch of salt, because in most cases, such claims are hugely inflated, paid-for- propaganda, or at worst, pure fiction.

To put it bluntly, most of the universities there would struggle to find a place in any world league table, but a few are worthy of consideration if you take them for what they are; ‘Turkish universities’ offering places to students from Turkey, and Turkish speaking countries, who are unable to meet the requirement to study (at higher quality institutions) on the mainland or their own country. Students wishing to use their diploma in the TRNC should have no problem however, if you intend to use it in Turkey and have a career in mind, it might be wise to approach the company you intend to work for to ask whether your TRNC diploma will be accepted. YÖK accredited diploma’s are in theory at least, recognised world wide but a word of caution. You must personally get assurance from YÖK that the courses you are studying, and the type of diploma you are hoping to obtain is suitable for YÖK accreditation.

Many students have found themselves in trouble after studying at universities in the TRNC, only to find that some of the units or courses are not approved by YÖK. Result? Well that means no YÖK accredited diploma. This is detective work you must do for yourself! Our lawyers have looked at the situation and have cautioned us not to get involved in individual cases.

The whole subject of accreditation in the TRNC appears to be an absolute mess- a minefield waiting for the next unwary victim!

Near East University probably now takes over the number one spot from EMU, not that it’s all that great academically. Facilities at NEU are far superior to those offered by any other campus in the TRNC. Leisure facilities and a large well stocked library are now second to none. I would think that METU and EMU run in at a close second place, but EMU’s position is sadly deteriorating all the time. Others boast this and that on their websites, but I would strongly urge you to investigate the claims made about various ‘parks and centre's, swimming pools and health centres’ to see if they actually exist and if they do, look inside to make sure they are not just large empty buildings with a sign outside!

Hope that helps! Just remember it’s your money and time you are investing in a TRNC university, so don’t trust anything you might see on hi-tech/fancy websites or anything you are told at slick presentations at Education Fairs. Trust only yourself and investigate until you are 101% satisfied.

 Off to the hills

“There’s someone written in to us who thinks you’re a litre of homogenized milk,” was Urs’s greeting at the airport. Oh well, I was sick of Christmas already and there was still over a week to go and decided there and then to ignore what I thought was an insult.  I thought it odd though to call someone a carton of milk, homogenized or otherwise. Urs’s translation can be a bit hit and miss at times so maybe I would look into it later.

It was looking very much like Christmas as we approached the ‘gin palace’. Reto had put a little Christmas tree with flashing lights on top of his Zaporoshets; the house was lit up like crystal palace (guess who pays the electricity bill), and I could even see what looked like a life sized father Christmas wearing those fangled go faster ski’s sitting on our roof. Its quite amazing how life like those Christmas decorations can appear from a distance - it even sported a pair of moving arms so must have been Japanese, as they are so good at that sort of thing.

                                                      Switzerland with Snow on it!

Reto tends to get hyper-active within 10 minutes of getting in and out of bed so it is advisable to keep him occupied. Dr Bender said he would grow out of it and it was probably something to do with;

1.                              ‘E’ numbers in his M and M’s.

2.                              Something he caught from one of his goats.

3.                              His hormones out of balance.

4.                              His ‘time of the month’ and/or the ‘phase of the moon’.

To keep him occupied whilst I was being collected from the airport, Urs asked him to prepare dinner. Reto loves cooking and is always willing to try something new. I was ushered into the sitting room and deposited in front of a lovely roaring fire. As Lauda Air had arrived early, and what would you expect from an airline owned by a former Formula One World Champion and an Austrian too boot, Reto’s schedule had been thrown into some confusion, not an auspicious start as he hates confusion which he claims causes “noises in my head”.

                                             A Lauda Air ‘Niki’ Airbus A321-231

Anyway, it would appear that we were having some sort of fish concoction followed by a “special sponge thing in a tin from England, which is on offer at the co-op”. ‘Spotted Dick’ I ventured, “No, but he’s got that for later” replied Urs. Oh I do hope not I thought, because sultanas tend to make me rather nauseous. I once knew a student who forever had his finger inserted up his nose, and since then sultanas have always been off the menu.

I am not too sure when the explosion occurred as I must have nodded off. I can remember Sarkozy and Merkel flying out of the kitchen closely followed by Puke the second (Reto’s cats and Urs’s scruffy dog respectively). So guess it must have been a few seconds after the explosion before they had landed terrified on my lap! Urs had dived under the table thinking that possibly that Batfart-Gibbs had returned, gotten her hands on an army surplus Karl Gustav Rocket Launcher and had come to seek revenge; a distinct possibility actually that is just the sort of thing she would do, so I joined him! Reto emerged from the kitchen looking a real mess and covered in blood -which made Urs swoon (look it up in your bloody ‘American style dictionary’)- I made Reto sit down and I attempted to see where all the blood was coming from only to find that the blood turned out to be raspberry jam!

We enjoyed our Fish with a splattering of raspberry jam along with the hastily micro-waved spotted dick and custard. The explosion was not Reto’s fault, but Urs’s translation of ‘prick a hole in the lid of the sealed can.’ I didn’t dare asked what he had translated that simple instruction to.

We settled down for the night but I wondered if the confusion during the evening was starting to have an effect on me because I too kept hearing noises in my head, in a foreign language, it sounded like some sort of distant plea for help in Italian. Anyway, back to all this later and now to Cyprus and our favourite ‘universities;’ starting with good ole…

Girne American University - The American University: Incorporating the University of Northern Virginia (Cyprus Campus) maybe, or soon to be something else?

We love to receive mail but prefer that the sender pays the postage! An unstamped packet arrived at our office containing a large collection of exam papers written, but in most cases not authored by students at GAU (most of the subject matter having been nicked from the internet, so nothing new there then)!

As the papers related to subjects I didn’t know much about, namely Architecture and Psychology, I handed them over to two ‘bods’ who did. As it turned out, I need not have bothered to enlist expert help as the students appeared to know less about the subject at hand than I, or for that matter, your average chimpanzee. In fact what is painfully clear from the following extracts is that your average chimpanzee would probably turn out to be a star pupil at GAU.

As I have said the collection was rather large and it was quite a trial to get through the crap proffered by the budding Freud’s and Sir Christopher Wren’s of GAU so this is but a small sample of extracts on offer. Don’t get the impression that these are the worst on offer because they are not; but just examples of some of the efforts that were readable!

ALL PROJECTS HAVE RETAINED THEIR ORIGINAL LAYOUT, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING AND GRAMMAR USAGE.

Project paper I  -     This paper was graded  9/10 marks

(PROJECT COVER PAGE)

GÌRNE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

INTRODUCTION BEHAVIOURAL SCIENCE

HUMANLISTIC APPROACH

* TÜLÌN BODAMYALI

PREPARED BY: student number and name withheld

SOURCES: WWW.GOOGLE.COM, D.R PELÌN SAYIL’S UTTERANCE

* ISAS-CH note: The lecturer is who these projects are addressed to is: TÜLİN BODAMYALI, PhD, Assist.Prof.Dr / Head of Psychology Dept. see http://www.gau.edu.tr/Eng/PageContents.aspx?ContentID=101&MenuParentID=23 accessed 11/02/2008.
 

Project paper I contents:

HUMANISTICAL APROACH

            Humanistic approach is a modern psychologic approach. The founders are affected from (geşaltcılar). The founders of this approach are Rogers, Maslow, Sartle, Bühler, Frankl and Binsixlagner. They have ideas for the behavioural and psychoanalytic aproachs. This approach is different from others with taking up the humans. For this approach a human is a worth for himself. The human is aware of himself and it’s behaviours and the affect he/she gave around. To make the life with meaning is belong to the person’s abilities. The mortal humans will never live the same life again. The future or the past is not important just the time you live is important just the time you live is important. Science just can be an item for humans not an aim.
While identifying a human dogmatism is so dangerour for that.

A human have to be freedom before having it’s behaviours under control. If you want to understand a human you have to know the interface of that human then you have to in-observation because human is not an lifeless object and we can not understand the behaviours of the human form out looking. This trend started the human research system. And this approach makes psychology to come near the philosophy.

            Another aim of the psychology is controlling the human behaviours, but the humanistic approach shows us the psychologic approach can be used for the human injurity.

CARL ROGERS AND HUMANISTIC APROACH

Rogers found the fenemolojical approach. The behaviours just can be utilized by understanding the humans subjective glance angel. For Rogers’ the human have to be avare of his/her existence, this will show us the human’s behaviours will be in favour. Rogers tells that the humans have good habits from born and have a good relations with his/her environment.

This ‘project’ of some 295 words, was graded 9/10 with the following remarks: “good thoughts & ideas presented.”

Isas-ch comment: Quite frankly, how any lecturer -let alone a head of a psychology department- could grade this effort (or lack of) at 90% is astonishing! I would be interested to know where exactly the ‘good thoughts’ are, or where any ‘ideas’ are presented in an understandable way, apart from the appalling English! If someone can explain the highlighted grey areas, do send me an email! Not the fault of the student if they are able to submit such poor quality work and get 90% for it!

Project paper II  -     This paper was graded  7/10 marks

(PROJECT COVER PAGE)

BUS 105 INTRODUCTÌON TO BEHAVIOUR SCIENCE

INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS AND PSYHCODINAMIC APPROACH

TEACHER: TÜLÌN BOYATLI

PREPARE BY: student number and name withheld

SOURCE: www.google.com

Project paper II contents:

1- Psychodynamic approaches with international relations.

The owner of this approach is Sigmund Freud. When Freud is searching the mental Patients, he found the subconscious. For Freud internal livings have three periods. And they are all different each other. From these periods, the person who has the level of conscious,

memories, opinions and feelings, the person beware of all these internal livings.

The conscious is clarity. The second level is before the conscious. This level is the depot of who is near the conscious and their desires?

The person is not aware of these feelings, but if she/he wants he/she knows that they can be gain again. Freud searched 3 things related with human personality. They are id ego, super ego.

As an international relations student;

This application can be used by itself on the international relations, because every Diplomatic shopping related with the real reasons.

Four our opinion realism moved to the non-realism. Lots of political situations becomes From our subconscious reasons.

Politics is a subconscious argument. For example every countries leader is grower up On their own countries and owned their natural ideas with their traditional things. Also Did the same thing and applied his ideas on managing his country.

The general used word is violence on politics. Main reason of the violence is lack of Confidence. The reason of the lack of confidence is the experiences earned before and Hopelessness. We can understand that lots of politic problems can be solved from here. All politic events can not be produced by any reason. Every one has their own facts on their conscious. On the other hand the thing that can be made us the bad and the best is Our subconscious. In the international relations Freud is discovering populations Subconscious. With these opinions political, economical, and cultural problems can be Solved.

This ‘project’ of some 304 words, was graded 7/10 with the following remarks: “Reasonable effort. Needed more depth.”

Isas-ch comment: Another poor effort. How this can be described as a “reasonable effort” is astonishing! The theory is poorly explained (and spelt) and the level of English again is extremely poor. Certainly not 70% standard. Shame they cannot spell their teacher’s name correctly! 

Project paper III  -     This paper was graded  6/10 marks

(PROJECT COVER PAGE)

GÌRNE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

INTRODUCTION TO BEHAVIOURAL SCIENCE

Tulin BUDAMYALI

Subject:behavioural approach with international relations

Prepared by: student number and name withheld

Sources:www.google.com(psychological approachs),

Ege University’s congress speech and for example Can Dündar’s book(nereye ?)

Project paper III contents:

BEHAVIOURAL APPROACH

            The psychology’s main title is searching the human mind. In the beginning psychology is under a big effect philosophy, and it searched the human beings understanding and thinking abilities. Old psychologists are using a different methode it can be called as looking inside, and they are trying to understand the structures of ideas.

All of the psychologists leanerd philosophy before and they had been abilities of psychologic reseach, so looking inside methode is started to work untidy.

            The unreliable and meaningless research results are started to get them serious between pshychologists. From these situation a phsychologist from America name of James.B. Watson proposed something in 1920 that was an idea and feelings whichs are appearing in the brain but these ideas and feelings are not disturbing the human, the same with feeling nothing, they called it “behavioural approach” and started to search this theory.

            Behavioural approach, the human can be watched by someone and also the abilities can be measured by phsychologists and can be called first scientific method. To these theory looking inside means feelings and ideas is belongs to the test subject and becomes objective because of, the test subject did not allow the others to watch him.

Behavioural methode is including a fact which everyone includes and it shows that it is subjective.

            Behavioural approach (W-A) can be called as Warning Psychology. It shows us the difference between of violence of warning,type of warning and frequance, power of abilities. In order to these it shows us the place of stiffin the abilities.

            For psycholog Watson ideas the ability of concept is reduced to W-A (warning-answer). For every situation the W (warnings) are the same with the A (answers).(belongs to the muscles and secretions cells). The idea is the same as the word “behaviour” sign or the waste of the “throat-lips” effects. W and A (warning and answer) can be determined from observationalist as a subject, and introspection never interface it. The psychologist mission is determining the main laws of the behaviour, under the knowledge of the warnings they have to determine the reactions and rotating theirselves to the warnings which they determined before.

            To reach the success of the behaviourism, we have to make a good observation about the positivism and we have obey the laws in front of the eyes, at the result of that we can see the methode of the behaviourism, but behaviourism can be reduced to the conditional reflex in the end. It means these things can not be more that psychological and the organical things but it did not run away from a theory which includes metaphysical air. Behaviourism is accepted by the Watson’s simple tables.  If we think it like this, the human being have breakfast, ride a bike, talk, shy, smile and cry. All these examples are the types of behaviours. From these things a psychologist do not need examine the internal functions, just the behaviours will be enough to examine.

            As being an international relations student, i believe that the reasons of lots of political events are solved by the behavioural approach. For example they think that USA has the super power and the other states are trying to get the spherical solutions from the regional unities. The thing that i am trying to tell you we can see other countries are trying for their self interest against with the USA, and we can see it with the behavioural psychology, we can understand that these countries just been good for their self-interest but in real they are carrying a big enmity to USA, but the main thing is USA is have the super power and USA knows that that countries are good for their self-interest and USA has a good shield for these countries. Here is the important thing for us is the other countries behaviours to USA, because these behaviours are objective.

This behaviour can not be accessible at the international researchs, because subjectivity is important as the objectivity and lots of events are appearing from subjectivity. When all the approachs come together you can get best results in psychology. International relations has a big capacity that is why you can not search all events with this behavioural. Sometimes the behaviours are shows the real, but not exactly like that it sometimes can be a fake.

This ‘project’ of 720 words, was graded 6/10 with the following remarks: “Limited analysis of international relations using behaviourism.”

Isas-ch comment: Although another poor effort, it is more than double the length than the first project mentioned above. It’s difficult to see what standard of marking is being used i.e., how does ‘Project I’ deserve 7/10 compared to this one? As in all so far, the theory is poorly explained, the subject topics wrongly spelt and the general level of English is extremely poor to the point it’s difficult to understand what the subject matter is about. Again no referencing of the material used. Some of the worst examples are highlighted in grey.

Project paper IV  -     This paper was graded  2/10 marks - 

With the comment: “Fully copied from net.’ ”

(PROJECT COVER PAGE)

GÌRNE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

INTRODUCTION TO BEHAVIOURAL SCIENCE

TULÌN BUDAMYALI

PREPARED BY: student number and name withheld, but same student name and number as Project I. (Resubmission?)

SOURCES: WWW.SECURÌTY.PR.ERAU.EDU AND IBPP ONLÌNE

Project paper IV contents:

A DOUBLE BIND on DOUBLE BÌINDS:PSYCHOLOGICAL VIEWS OF ISRAEL and PALESTINIAN NATIONAL AUTHORÌTY

  Abstract. This article describes a number of double binds within double binds confronting Israeli government decision makers concerning political violence perpetrated by representatives, supportes, and exploiters of of the Palestiian National Authority in the Gaza Strip, the West Bank , and Israel itself.

  The construct double bind usually denotes being in a situation suggesting two choices both of which seem to present significant negative

Consequences.Currently, Israel governmental decision makers are confronted with a number of these situations even after the last Middle East summit meeting with leaders from the United States , Egypt, Jordan, the Palestinian National Authority(PNA)the United Nations , and the European Union.

Double bind 1;Significant political violence has occurred after Islamic Friday Prayer services at what Muslims call the Noble Sanctuary :Haram al Sharif. If the Israelis attempt to prevent the violence by preventing or significantly modulating ingress to the Sanctuary , they stand accused of being unjust of preveting people of practicing their faith and of being unworthy protectors and controllers of a holy site. If the Israelies allow business as usual at the Sanctuary , they are faced with the political violence, with being accused as aggressors for using force in dealing with it and again with being unworthy protectors and controllers of the site.

Double bind 2:Similar issues affect the Israelis by their vary labelling of the Noble Sanctuary as the Temple Mount.Using the former name,reinforces PNA and Islamic claims to the site.Using the latter name enrages many members of the Islamic faith and can brand the Israelis as insensitive to the religious needs of others.

Double 3:The construct Palestinian usually has meant anyone living in some territory that was or is called Palestine.If the Israelis use this term according to this most common denotation, they are accused by the PNA and its supporters of not recognizing the legitimate rights and aspirations of a group called ‘the Palestinian people ‘who only are a segment of the people covered by the most common denotation.If the Israelis use the PNA version of ‘Palestine’ they ineluctably weaken their own(Israelis)claims to legitimate rights , aspirations, and perhaps their very existence.

What to make of these double binds? A significant issue in political Psychology relates to double bind consequences.One alternative is quite noxious in that immersion in personalitu salient double binds fosters a fragmenting of functioning analogous to familiogenic models of schizoprenia

.Yet another alternative fosters cohesion and homogeneity of ingroups and outgropus evenif posiblty paranoid.

This ‘project’ of 420 words, was graded 2/10 with the following remarks on the inside page: “How much of this is your own synthesis? None I guess!”

Isas-ch comment: The mind boggles! Quite what the author is trying to say, or how this relates to the core subject is unclear. It seems the ability to plagiarise is a skill beyond the author: Equally it highlights the low English language level i.e., not understanding what they are actually being asked to produce for assessment, or indeed, what they have copied from the internet. It would seem that this student was given another chance (Project I) but the level of understanding and English seem no better, but still received a 90% grade.

Now you will remember the accreditation debacle between UNVA and ACICS. Well the plot thickens. During October 2007, UNVA lost its accreditation from ACICS after having been ‘on probation’ for most of the time it was accredited. Not surprisingly, UNVA sought an injunction to stop ACICS from disenfranchising them of some sort of respectability. The case was heard by a local judge who ordered that UNVA be reinstated to the accreditation status they had prior to removal, which was ‘On Probation’. This was subject to a bond of $75,000 being lodged with the court by UNVA, and until the case could be reheard by the judge and a final decision be made. However, none of this is mentioned on UNVA-CYPRUS website, indeed quite the opposite is the case. Crowing on about its certification with the State Council of Higher Education for Virginia being granted by SCHEV what UNVA-CYPRUS fails to point out, is that UNVA only receives its certification from SCHEV on the strength of its accreditation with ACICS, and that accreditation being tenuous to put it mildly; if the latest ACICS website entry is correct was only valid until December 2006 in any case! 

If just to make matters worse and to confuse any hapless would be student of UNVA-CYPRUS into parting with their money, UNVA-CYPRUS cites its undisputed accreditation with YODAK, which validates and accredits most degrees issued in the Turkish Republic of North Cyprus. YODAK accreditation it might have, but beware as SUCH DEGREES ARE ONLY RECONIZED IN NORTHERN CYPRUS AND WILL BE GIVEN SHORT SHRIFT BY ANY REPUTABLE EMPLOYER OR PUBLIC INSTITUTION ELSEWHERE.  Of course the ‘bods’ at GAU-UNVA CYPRUS campus are aware of all this given that two senior administrators at GAU are also is listed as directors of UNVA!

It is patently unfair not to allow the Turkish Cypriot Universities to participate in international organisations and have their awards and degrees considered for international recognition and accreditation. However, such recognition can only be given if the institutions concerned meet internationally recognised standards. Clearly, all but possibly one of the universities in the North, would fail in this essential requirement for a number of reasons at the present time.

What clearly does not help the cause of the Turkish Cypriot universities for international recognition is the deceitful and misleading information put out by some of the unscrupulous individuals working within the administration departments. Such practices have a lasting and damaging effect on other universities that might have a chance at obtaining meaningful international recognition by eventually meeting the standards required. This type of behaviour does nothing to assist the just cause of the Turkish Cypriot people and their genuine quest for an internationally recognised Turkish Cypriot state- recognition which is long overdue.

On another point, advertising hoardings relating to GAU, THE AMERICAN UNIVERSTY, UNVA-NORTH CYPRUS etc., have been removed from the road leading up to the campus at Karaoglanoglu and are now dumped at the rear of the GAU millennium building. Maybe they are due for refurbishment, or has the place shacked up with yet another of those ‘Amerikan’ universities of dubious pedigree. I bet we won’t have to wait long to find out the awful truth! Another interesting and some might say sinister development is that UNVA appears to have gotten itself involved in an attempted ‘Hostile Takeover’ bid of the Myers University based in Cleveland, Ohio. A right mess this has turned out to be. Far from being ‘Knight in shining armour’ UNVA properties, having got themselves involved as ‘financial saviours’ of the cash strapped Myers University, turns out that UNVA properties didn’t have the money! Anyway, the whole debacle is now in the ‘American litigation progress’ and smells very much like Reto’s favourite trainers. See the following publications and draw your own conclusions.

The Plain Dealer Dec 14 2007 http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2007/12/myers_u_president_fired_by_cou.html   

Inside Higher Education Dec 17th 2007 http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2007/12/17/myers

 and for the latest Cleveland Jewish News Dec 9 2008 http://www.clevelandjewishnews.com/articles/2008/02/04/news/local/bcover0201.txt   

Good ole GAU has just announced that it is now able to offer students ‘fully accredited degrees issued by the National American University (NAU). Thing is NAU is an on-line university- so why would you want to go through GAU to get something you can get from the horses-mouth as they say (and enrolling direct might be cheaper). Furthermore, accreditation only appears to be valid in a small number of US States, which is fine if you intend to put your degree into use by setting up as a potato salesman in Boise Idaho for instance. Assuming that is, Idaho is one of the states recognising the said degree which is by no means certain!

EASTERN MEDITERRANEAN UNIVERSITY.

The Flagship University of North Cyprus has received another hit below the waterline with the resignation of the rector Prof.Dr Halil Guven. OK, we knew it was coming, I even predicted it here some months ago, but now it has actually happened one cannot feel a little sadness and frustration that the only rector on the island, who actually earned and deserved international respect, has had enough of the backbiting political crap over there and endemic in all TRNC universities.

Halil Bey at the time of his resignation stated that he was not sorry to be leaving. We don’t blame him!

Guess who has replaced him as acting rector, the former head of YODAK Prof. Dr Rusty Steel (Mr. Tahir Celik!) No surprises there then because we predicted that too!!

We sincerely hope that Prof. Dr Guven finds and new post worthy of his undoubted talents and abilities. This is said with the utmost sincerity. The following is said ‘tongue in cheek.

“We wish the new rector of EMU/DAU our best wishes and hope that he eventually gets all he deserves!”

EUROPEAN UNIVERSITY OF LEFKE.

Well here’s a turn up for the books, something sort of positive to report. No it’s still far from being European, or even worthy of consideration as a university in the true sense of the word, but facilities have improved so much so that the natives of Lefke and Gemikonagi are in a bit of a tizzy! I mentioned books; well it would appear that they have acquired a few more by ‘hook or by crook’ for their library. Whether they are remotely relevant to any course of study is beside the point.

Then there’s the improved student accommodation. New dormitory blocks that may or may not be safe for foreign students, and furthermore, on-campus housing of a breeze block standard that beats anything off-campus. A computer centre connected to the internet (sometimes) and is available to all students (occasionally). You would think that the natives would be jumping up and down with glee wouldn’t you?  Well not exactly.

Internet cafes in Chernobyl-on-Sea and the surrounding area are closing down or staying empty.  Restaurants and cafes are also experiencing a sharp downturn in trade as are the local supermarkets; even Steptoe and Sons the local second hand furniture emporium is feeling the pinch. Houses for let remain empty, something unheard of in the past, but what few are let still command extortionate rents!

The local smiling happy honest people with the warm glow are bemoaning their respective losses down at Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe we hear. “Its MZs fault for upsetting the BOTs and being in the wrong party, and then not taking the chance to join the ORPs,” seems to be one line of popular opinion. That’s being said with some caution as it is likely that good ole MZs party might turn out to be the right party in the not too distant future. “It’s Talat, its Soya, its Soyer also, its Turkey, it’s the army, its Europe, it’s the Cyprus Problem, it’s the foreigners, it’s the Homerfile, it’s the Japanese, it’s the Africans it’s the CMC and it’s the BBC- but it is never us” they chime in unison! But then again, maybe they are right, because it might even be Agent Orange.

Then again it could always be that the students of EUL can no longer stand the frantic pace of life that Lefke and downtown Gemikonagi has to offer and have decided to stay on campus or maybe haven’t the ability to escape the place. Still never mind, its only 5 years (EPS inclusive) and you will be free. So remember the old motto “Arbiet Mach Frei” (Work makes one (you) free).

METU-NCC.      

“Once, on a high and windy hill,

In the morning mist, two lovers kissed…

Or so goes the words to one of my favourite songs. Windy, cold, bleak and isolated it is in the depth of a Cyprus winter. I jest not; thermal underwear is a necessity there along with a reliable means of transport, a headscarf and a copy of the Koran. As we mentioned in our intro, yet another native speaker of English has departed from the School of Foreign Languages (SFL) which makes their previous claims of working towards having a high percentage of genuinely imported native speakers look rather daft - with the exception of CIU, METU-NCC has the least! Wonder why that is? This brings me nicely on to…

Doris Schutt has attained her PhD in something, but do we really care what! No doubt “Queen Bee” will be even more insufferable than ever!    

Back to relative sanity.

A few days before the big day I sat down to peruse both Urs and Reto’s extensive Christmas wish list which as usual ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous. Apple of his daddy’s eye he might be, but his request for a Ferrari Testosterone or whatever, was not going to materialize this year. More likely was a CD of Dopper’s: Zuidezee Symphony despite the fact that the only thing I had heard of remotely similar was Ronnie Ronalde's rendition of “Down by the Old Zuiderzee”

                               50’s Pop Star Ronnie Ronalde-(…and still going strong!)

Must be by the ‘Concertgebouw’ of Amsterdam, he specified. Reto’s request for a real Jetson’s Flying Car - which in his little world probably really exists but in the real world doesn’t – an action man doll and/or a real Californian Highway Patrol Uniform and if Santa can afford it, the Harley Davidson with working lights and siren. Odd thing is, he never complains about what he gets for Christmas. Urs gave him an inflatable sheep last year that he said would act as a beacon for his real sheep to find their way home. He loves that bloody thing despite the fact that it’s got a hole in it! He says it’s where you put the torch to light the thing up. The mind boggles it really does.

                                          Reto’s friend Dolly the sheep.

Turns out that Doppers Zuidezee Symphony does exist, as I found a copy a couple of days later just over the border in Austria, but life is never that easy is it. I took Reto with me as he wanted to buy Urs a new hat with a feather in it for Christmas. We found the CD in a rather grim looking shop that sort of looked like it would sell mucky magazines as a side line. There was a sign on the counter which said that 50% of the profits from sales were donated to the disadvantaged, which caused me to look sideways at Reto, just in time to stop him putting a box of chocolate truffles down his trousers. As his mother always gave away everything for free, and  in one case that I can personally attest to, was apt to force her truffles on the unsuspecting; he has grown up with the view that everyone else does. He did inherit his blond hair, brains and blue eyes from his mother, and at least both of his look in the same direction, unlike his mother’s. He inherited his charm and good looks from elsewhere!

“Have you got a copy of Doppers Zuidezee Symphony played by the Concertgebouw of Amsterdam” I enquired. “Yes said the assistant, conducted by Dr Willem Mengelberg I believe”. Reto said quite innocently “Wasn’t Willem Mengelberg accused of being a Nazi during the great patriotic war?”  “Yes but so were a lot of people so you shouldn’t believe everything you hear”.

                                               Prof. Dr Willem Mengelberg:

                               Great 20^th Century Musician.

The next few hours went by in a blur as Reto and I were whisked off by the Politzei and locked up for being suspected holocaust deniers! We were thrown into a cell with some rather rough looking young men. “Well bugger me, what the hell was all that about” I said after I had regained my composure. I don’t know said Reto, but don’t repeat that in German, as we could be in serious trouble. As it turned out they wouldn’t have understood anyway as they were Albanian Asylum seekers and didn’t speak a word of German nor English.

Heidi, our lawyer made a phone call to one of her friends in the church, I’m sure she has a direct line to his holiness himself, and we were released. As we were signing for our things including the Mengelberg CD, Reto asked who had paid to have us ‘sprung from Sing-Sing’. The police officer said there had been a mistake and we shouldn’t have been arrested in the first place. It would appear that someone high up in the church made a call to explain the situation on our behalf. Reto, being of enquiring mind asked “Was it the Pope, I bet it was the Pope because he was in the Hitler Youth, I read it in a magazine…” Ayshen the Alfa was sitting outside ‘Gestapo HQ’ and sitting inside Ayshen were those Albanian asylum seekers. ‘Do they know the Pope as well”  “Shut up Reto and get in the car”!

I decided to take the Albanian’s -one of whom was named Zog after the old King, and another was called Odd, which he certainly was-, as close to the border as I dare. We dropped them off and Reto suggested that they head off for Holland, Belgium, or that Mecca for all waifs and strays, the United Kingdom where if they could get there pronto, they might get a big fat cheque from the government, a Christmas bonus and a nice new council house or the very least, free bed and board at a five star hotel and the Sally Army might throw in Christmas Dinner if they pretend to be holy. On no account should they go to Carinthia, or spend too much time in France, as Urs friend’s uncle Haider and Papa Le Pen would be very cross, cautioned a stern Reto; bless him, always concerned for others.

                M. Jean Marie Le Pen                                             Herr Jorg Heider

We waved the Albanians’ off after Reto had given them the contents of my wallet and two half eaten sandwiches for the journey. “Its just as well we didn’t use Urs’s Smart Car today otherwise they would have had to walk or sit on my lap”. There are times when it is best to let him have the last word.

We got back to the ‘gin palace’ in a raging snow storm for which Alfa’s are not really built. The snow tends to build up underneath, and the car being quite light, ends up as a high speed toboggan! Reto was hearing ‘voices in his head’ as soon as we sat down for dinner. “Can’t you hear?” he said, hear what we asked, “there’s someone speaking in Italian.” “Get on with your dinner Reto” I said gently. As I was relating the events of the day to Urs, Reto moved closer to the fire and was looking intently up the chimney and talking to something. “Oh boy has he flipped big this time, has he been at the smarties again?” “Not as far as I know” I replied. “Reto, who the hell are you talking too” I asked.  “It’s Father Christmas and he’s got stuck on our roof and what’s more he is Italian!” “Do you think the Pope sent him?”  I whispered to Urs to call Dr Bender because it was clear that the events of the day had sent Reto over the edge. “Urs is going to call Dr Bender, now you just stay there and talk to Father Christmas until he comes.” “OK but father Christmas just swore at me and told me to put the faffing fire out because his beard is getting singed, and he didn’t say faffing either!” He also said to make sure that stupid bastard gets help pronto; by stupid bastard, I think he means you!”

Now, just a word about the construction of the ‘gin palace’ roof: As is common with most traditional chalets of this type, the sloop of the roof starts quite close to ground level on both sides, but after a heavy snow fall the slope can be down to ground level. That’s no problem provide you are not approaching the house from the slope side, in a raging blizzard at great speed when the roof appears to be part of the snowy landscape! Get the picture?

Dr Bender arrived very quickly, not surprising as he was visiting one of the monks up at St Ignatius, just up the mountain. I went into the kitchen with Urs to discuss Christmas whilst Dr Bender saw to Reto. After a few minutes we both went back into the lounge and were horrified to see Dr Bender trying to shove Reto up the chimney. What was even worse, Dr Bender had also struck up a conversation with Father Christmas!  

 It turns out that someone was up on the roof and Reto wasn’t going strange on us. “Who is it?” I asked. “He says he is a politician, but he doesn’t look Swiss because he is black.” “Perhaps it’s Barrack Obama or Robert Mugabe up there” I ventured. Then there was a knock at the door. “That’s all we want, Hilary Clinton at the door” said Urs.  Heidi, our lawyer had arrived to ask if we wanted to comment on the e-mail we had received. “Do you mean the e-mail calling me a carton of milk?” She looked confused. “The one calling me homogenized.” Heidi still confused said, “No, you had and email calling you a Misogynist amongst other things, and I am not sure how we respond, and do you know that there are a pair of legs sticking out of one of your chimneys?”  “Forget it I said, it’s probably some gin soaked old lush I’ve pissed off, or maybe Urs or Reto’s mother.”  “The legs up your chimney or writing the e-mail?” she enquired. Just reply with that old Swiss proverb, “La pluie de vos injures n’atteint pas le parapluie de mon indifference!” What does that mean asked Heidi? “Well if she is what she claims to be she will be able to work it out for herself,” I replied

The person on the roof turned out not to be Father Christmas, Barrack Obama nor Mugabe, and neither was he black, but those of a rather sooty ‘Mr Europe’ from the next door canton (is ‘sooty’ on or off the PC list these days?). He was on another of his economy drives, and in an attempt to be ‘socialistic-green’ by using ski’s as transport, daft D decided to deliver his Christmas cards and gifts personally. Nice and noble thought though it was, he had mistaken our roof, partially obscured by snow, as a hillock and ended up like a ‘pillock’ on our roof, unable to get down without assistance.

By the time the Daft D had been carted of to hospital for overnight treatment for frostbite to his feet and flash burns to his head and Heidi and Dr Bender had left, it was well past midnight. Whilst Urs, Reto, and I were drinking our malted milk, Reto asked one of those questions that you just know he is unlikely to accept the answer you give. “What is a Misogynist?”  I did my best, “It’s someone who had far too much contact with both your and Urs’s mothers.” “Oh, Urs said it was someone who was addicted to Miso.”  “Shut up you arse” said Urs. “Don’t call your brother an arse” I said.  “Those DNA tests can be wrong you know, can’t they, asked Urs pleadingly?”

Lets hope for a smooth and settled 2008. Well we can but hope…

Coming Soon. Another ‘doggy Doctor’ (PhD) at GAU, and its not just us that’s taking an interest in fake diploma’s, fake doctors, fake identities and shaky accreditations!

Der Homerfile January 2008 

THE HOMERFILE -FALL SEMESTER 2007

North Cyprus ‘universities’: EUL/LAU, EMU/DAU, CIU/UKU, NEU/YDU, METU.NCC and not forgetting GAU/THE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY and its many other guises -THE TRUTH IS IN HERE!                                            

With student registration likely to be over 40% down on last year -last year incidentally being a disastrous year- are we witnessing the slow but inevitable death of some of the North Cyprus Universities? With some 40 new universities opening for the first time on the Turkish mainland, it is hardly surprising that students are opting to sign up there where standards are probably much higher and the cost of living definitely much cheaper.

Most of the universities in Northern Cyprus opened their doors back in the 1980s and early 1990s-exceptions being CIU (1996) and METU.NCC (2004). With the exception of EMU and NEU, those universities were relatively small with a real student complement of no more than 2000 students. Most of the courses were taught in recognizable English and a large number of native English speakers were employed in all faculties, not just the problematic ‘English language departments.’ Students, particularly those from the mainland were never the brightest of sparks, were linguistically challenged and the majority found themselves in Cyprus to avoid military service, or to obtain some sort of higher education that was unavailable to them in Turkey. What must also be remembered is that at that time the TRNC had a reasonably competent nationalist government, presided over by a highly respected and well educated president, who enjoyed the support of the TSK (Turkish Military Council) and the Turkish government. The universities during the Presidency of His Excellency Rauf R. Denktaş could be seen as a means of increasing the amount of aid from Turkey. TRNC universities were prepared to offer places to students that did not have a hope of getting into the then limited number of mainland universities. The TRNC offered reasonably priced accommodation, a relatively crime free environment and only slightly higher living costs than those of Turkey’s larger cities. Although an irritant to some, the fact that teaching was done by a comparatively high ratio of native speakers of English (by YOK law) was an advantage to the majority of students coming here.

All this has now changed and it started to change for the worse almost as soon as H.E.Rauf .R. Denktaş was given the cold shoulder from the new AKP government in Turkey. Numbers of students arriving from Turkey plummeted the following year and have continued on their downward spiral ever since. It has not helped much in that standards in Turkey are slowly improving, whilst standards in North Cyprus have continued in free fall and, the situation is about to get a whole lot worse. It would appear that the powers that be over there have now lost the plot completely, whilst at least one of the big wigs at GAHOO (GAU), has gone completely off into the realms of fantasy or off to a Pinocchio world where when you wish upon a star your dreams come true but, in his case they didn’t -his nose just keeps growing longer!

One of the very few selling points of the TRNC universities used to be that all courses -except specialist Turkish courses- would be taught exclusively in English by competent speakers of the English language; a high proportion of them being native speakers brought here on contract. Up until the fall of 2003 this was in part true. OK, most of the Turkish lecturers’ would use any excuse to lecture in Turkish and, give a brief summary in English at the end of the lesson for non-Turkish speakers; some would even teach in that weird and wonderful language called ‘Turklish.’ ‘Turklish,’ for those who have never heard it, is a little bit like franglaise, not a real language but a bastardized version of the two. Usually acquired ‘parrot fashion’, or by the drilling method, so favoured in schools over there and in Turkey also non-native speakers who think they are fluent in English. Now my Turkish is crap but, at least I wouldn’t dream of trying to pass myself off as a teacher of Turkish. Few there feel the same and shamelessly pass themselves off as ‘Fluent in English’: that is why students come out with such gems like, “I am coming too by your near”, or even better from a teacher, “I go to home now, I will porn you at the weekend” and “My husband has brusted his breasts,” which I assume to be, “My husband has bruised his chest” or, “My husband is really a trans-sexual and has big breasts”.

Since 2003, there has been a dramatic decline in the real appointment of non TRNC/Turkish teaching staff. Those fantastic figures claimed by several universities there claiming a large compliment of native speakers of English officially employed is absolute hog-wash. The actual figure of native speakers of English officially employed at the universities in the TRNC and registered at the work office as paying tax and social security credits are  0.65%: that’s just over half of one teacher of English from overseas who is a native speaker for every 100 ‘others’, and it is about to get worse. The ‘government’ and its unelected coalition partners from the ORP (Freedom and Reform Party) are about to introduce measures that will make it virtually impossible for anyone who is not a card holding Turkish Cypriot to get a job here in any profession, yet alone teaching, which along with the civil service, many Cypriots see as a soft option. And the way they apply themselves it certainly is, especially in the state sector where contact with pupils rarely exceed a stressful 16 hours a week, coupled with holidays that seem to go on forever.

Now, not that old Homerfile is one to stir the pot but I asked a prominent member of the EU commission -who are looking into ways of making inclusion into EU programmes like Erasmus and Socrates a possibility for TRNC universities even if such an idea might be a little premature, given the now rampant and quite open xenophobia there. Given that Erasmus and Socrates (not to mention the Bologna accord) is all about exchanging ideas and experiences with students and teachers from other countries, is it not sheer folly to even contemplate entertaining the inclusion of universities from a country where the present government is behaving little better than the Nazi’s, worse in-fact, because not being a Nazi would necessarily not exclude you from employment! The present policy of excluding other nationals from employment in the universities of the TRNC is not only against the principles of the EU who are presently falling over themselves to give money to the TRNC and Cyprus in general (the situation is little better on in the Greek Republic of Cyprus) it is downright racist and smacks of apartheid. In fact, I doubt that Dr Verwoerd, the father of apartheid, would have even associated himself with such overt racist and discriminatory policies.

Dr.Hendryk. F. Verwoerd

Now my friend the Eurocrat nearly fell of his chair. Being of the socialist persuasion with a green tinge, he has been trying to convince those nasty fascists of any other persuasions to be at one with each other for years. “Can you prove this?” he asked. He is shortly about to be buried in an avalanche of the type rarely seen on Lake Lugano! We will be making the same representations to members as diverse as those from the left, like the socialists and liberals, and to those from the right like the FN and Freedom Party. We won’t be gilding the lily nor doing a Pinocchio. We will tell the truth about every example of racist, protectionist, or other form of discriminatory form of practice -including homophobia by the way- that we have come across or that has been reported to us. It’s all well and good adopting extremist policies when you are greedily taking grants and hand-outs from such organizations, but not when you are hoping to join an organisation that pursues policies of a civilized nature!

THE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY-GIRNE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY-

DISNEYWORLD ON SEA, THE WALTER MITTY UNIVERSITY OF FURTHER EDUCATION, GAHOO, ETC.

There appears to be very few Turkish students around the costal town of Girne this year and considerably more from Africa, mainly Nigeria. We know they are from Nigeria from the mail that we are getting from the poor people who arrived here expecting an ‘Amerikan style’ university and getting nothing of the sort- they are not a happy bunch. Incidentally, they were not poor when they arrived but you can be certain they will be when they leave!

GAU’s only claim to American fame is its connection with the University of Northern Virginia, where at least two GAU executives sit on the board of the UNVA and either serve on the board of GAU, or hold academic posts there. There are a few American academics listed on the staff of GAU, but fewer of those if any are registered with the TRNC employment office, and at least one of those so called ‘Doctors’ is looking a little bit Mickey Mouse to say the least; another appears to have a serious identity problem!

The Dear One, aka Pinocchio, The Chancellor etc, appears to have gone away with the fairies again. Now despite everything else, the dear one had never claimed to have degrees and awards from prestigious universities before. OK, we had the NAHT-UK nonsense a couple of years ago but we were shocked to learn that we have under-estimated the academic prowess of this great and wonderful being- second only to the almighty himself in what he can accomplish in less than two years of frantic study and frenetic industry

The Dear One at study at Harvard University.

Batfart–Gibbs used to have all manner of crap sent through the post to our office before Urs threw her out of the Gin palace a couple of months ago. We are still getting magazines and mail shots from organizations as diverse as ‘Lesbian Mothers against the Bomb’, and the ‘Gary Glitter Fan Club,’ but occasionally something interesting turns up. In this case a rather glossy and surprisingly professional looking magazine entitled, unsurprisingly ‘North Cyprus Magazine’ (issue no 19).

Having waded through adverts for rather tasteless furniture which would not look out of place in a tarts boudoir, I espied the Dear One with that fetching cherubic smile of his leaping from page number 46. Now, as I have said, one thing in the Dear One’s favour is that to my knowledge, he has never claimed to hold any recognised academic degrees like an MBA or to have attended any reputable university. In fact, having checked his profile -prominent on the GAU website of 2005- no mention was made of the Dear One holding any ‘university’ qualifications to speak of.  Imagine my surprise to learn that in the short space of two years the Dear One has managed to do away with the French Doctor mouthpiece that used to make most of his speeches in English and not only obtain an MBA from a university in the UK, -the university isn’t actually mentioned but I would put money on it being the Huron- in the same time frame The Dear One was able to complete his training in Higher Education Leadership at…wait for it…Harvard University in the USA and all this done in academic level English!  Bloody amazing I hear you say, equally bloody unlikely I say, not even with the help of his old friend, Jimny Cricket!

Jimny Cricket

It so happens that one of the brotherhood is a lecturer at Harvard University, so I thought I would send him a copy of the said article. He contacted the registration office and alumni to let them know how well one of their ex-students had done for himself. Unfortunately, no one at Harvard could find the Dear One on any roster of graduating students going back over the last 30 years. Now I am not saying he is not there somewhere, it’s just that nobody can find a mention of him anywhere.  Perhaps they should look under the name Pinocchio, I suggested.  Now all together everyone…

“Like a bolt out of the blue, Fate steps in to see you through,

When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true”.

Another claim is that he is a member of the Institute of Directors, which is based in London, UK. Well yes he could be if he has paid the £285 subscription -my dads a member too! It’s a bit like the Automobile Association, or even the NAHT-UK; you get yourself nominated -not a difficult thing to do- and you pay your membership: hey presto you are a member of the IOD (Institute of Directors).

Oh and by the way, UNVA North Cyprus is still advertising ACICS accredited courses from its sub-campus located on the GAU site. This despite the fact that accreditation was restricted as far back as December of last year, before being finally withdrawn altogether last month. All together now,

‘Take the straight and narrow path and if you start to slide,

                               Give a little whistle, give a little whistle,

                             And always let your conscience be your guide,

                            Yes always let your conscience be your guide!

Trouble is some people -as I have said before- have no more conscience than a snake has got hips!

EASTERN MEDITERRANEAN UNIVERSITY:  EMU/DAU.

It would appear that this university is determined to scupper any chance of being taken seriously by applying strict protectionist policies in staff recruitment. We have always supported Prof.Dr Halil Guven in his attempts to have his university meet the conditions of the Bologna accord. He has been up against those who would use the university as an employment bureau for friends and relatives and others who see it as a political football only in existence to gratify their own personal political ambitions.

Sadly, it became quite clear the way things were going as early as 2005. A number of overseas teachers who had been offered employment by EMU were told to prepare their courses for the next semester and to purchase expensive course books out of their own pockets; a matter of days before the jobs were due to start those applicants were sent emails informing them that the job offer had been withdrawn. No explanation was given by EMU for the reason for this abrupt action. As many of those involved had turned other contracts down on the promise of employment at EMU, they were now faced with a year of unemployment as most universities around the world had already appointed staff for the academic year. What was particularly disturbing is that all those withdrawn job offers were reoffered to Cypriots. This behaviour in itself is protectionist, if not overtly racist, but worse still many of those positions were filled by people without the necessary experience, or qualifications to do the job in a satisfactory manner.

The following year we heard of a repeat of this crassly incompetent way of managing what was supposed to be the countries flagship university. Another lecturer was offered a full time post in one of the Social Science departments. Well experienced and qualified with a degree from a reputable university, they also had their job offer withdrawn at the last minute and they were replaced by a poorly qualified and inexperienced local applicant. Again, this applicant was also told to design the courses they would be teaching and to purchase books at their own expense. Again, days before the contract should have been issued the job offer were withdrawn by the head of department. Now this particular applicant sought, and eventually got, an audience with the Rector, not that it got them very far as the Rector seemed as pissed off with the whole fiasco as the applicant was. It wasn’t until some months later and after the departure of other members of staff associated with the department concerned that we at isas-ch were tipped off about what was actually going on. It would appear that the appointment of the original applicant had been approved by the personnel department and that the applicant’s contract had been prepared. The personnel department was then contacted by the secretary of the social sciences department and told not to appoint the applicant already offered the job. Apparently, the head of the said department had immediately given in to an existing employee who wanted to do the job despite the fact that their qualifications were inferior to the original applicant and that they had no experience of note in the subject field they wanted to teach: oh and guess what, they had ‘torpil’ on the board of trustees. Torpil, as we have mentioned before, is having something on somebody at the top that allows a minion in search of something they are not entitled to and corrupt the system to get their own way. A bit like the old feudal system that went out of favour with most European countries in the 17^th and 18^th centuries! Or in some cases we have heard of, the casting coach of some grotesque Hollywood movie director handing out jobs to young dolly birds and boys (they are not too fussy in that part of the world).

In another surprise move it would appear that EMU will not be taking anymore students onto its English Language Teaching Programme. Those with a lingering respect of the art of teaching real English will probably breathe a sigh of relief at this news! However hold on before you become too happy at this turn of events. This information came via a badly written memo floating around the EPS and if true, means a complete freeze on the training of ELT teachers -something that should have been considered years ago. Lets face it, teachers and students in ELT departments have hardly been the cream of the profession; remember our old friend the plagiarizer Dr Gőker who still struts his stuff over at GAU. The ELT departments of most of the universities here have been churning out vast numbers of graduates -many of whom would have extreme difficulty teaching in their native language let along English. Having developed a language all of their own these Turklish teachers (call them what you will) have been let loose into the English Prep Schools and SFL’s to created havoc. Some have even gone on to be ELT teachers themselves! The result is a glut of poorly educated and inexperienced ELT graduates looking for jobs, or as the locals calls it –Jops! They usually get jobs courtesy of the aforementioned torpil/protectionist attitude of the so called management, be they in the guise of ‘the government with or without the ORP, a “Board of Trustees” or in GAU’s case, usually at the grace of the Headboard or The Dear One. I suppose the token head of education, The Rector, President, Fuhrer or whatever might be consulted in passing but you can bet the actual Head of Department doesn’t!

It is often asked why students have decided to look elsewhere for their further education. Several letters have appeared in newspapers in Africa and the Middle East warning students to give Cyprus and in particular EMU a miss, citing the very issues I have been harping on about for months. Out of respect for Prof .Dr Halil Guven, who we still hold in high esteem, we have not used any information given to us over the last year by individuals that have written to us. We have, with the agreement of most of the writers held off publication or passing that information on to interested groups in the expectation that the work Prof.Dr Halil Guven was trying to do would eventually see a more democratic regime developing at EMU. Sadly, what with recent statements made by the government and now the internal memo already mentioned, it is clear that our expectations are unlikely to be fulfilled. We have therefore written to those who submitted information to us and asked them for permission to use that information by sending it to those responsible for the Bologna Accord. We will also send copies to political group leaders and other interested groups within the EU and the academic community.

THE EUROPEAN UNIVERSITY OF LEFKE: EUL/LAU

 I have been asked why I cannot find anything positive to say about EUL. Well I am delighted to say that it doesn’t appear to have gotten any worse which is about as good as it gets on the being positive front! And there’s more next issue about the cosmetic improvements of EUL, which are definitely a step in the right direction.

CYPRUS INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY: CIU/UKU

 An adequate TURKISH CYPRIOT university with nothing much international about it: for example look at the list of staff names which appear to be ALL Turkish! However, its website is fairly accurate and the institution as a whole hasn’t upset me so take it for what it is.

 NEAR EAST UNIVERSITY: NEU/YDU.

 Again, a fairly accurate website not marred by extravagant claims to greatness -NEU gets as close as any of the universities in North Cyprus to delivering on the few actual promises it does make. A world class university it certainly is not but having said that, continued investment in things that matter will benefit students in the long run. Provided no bozo comes along to cock things up, and if you don’t mind having to learn Turkish as well as a crude form of English to follow lectures that might well be given in Serbo Croat; this might be a place worth investigating further. What could be improved is the standard of driving safety of the NEU shuttle bus, registration number EM132 on route 111. At 16.30 on 6^th November 2007 on the Lefkosa to Girne highway this vehicle was seen traveling at speeds in excess of 100kph and on several occasions left the road and was running on the hard shoulder! This is a university shuttle bus or an accident waiting to happen!

METU.NCC

The SFL lost yet another non-Turkish teacher who recently fell foul of the Head of the SFL, or bunker women Frau Doris Schutt as she is also known. METU probably now has the lowest ratio of genuine academics on its campus who are not holders of TRNC/Turkish passports on the island. A big disappointment and not, in our opinion, a patch on the excellent parent university METU-Ankara, which we recommend without reservation. METU.NCC faculty departments and the Modern Languages Programme are however by far the best on the island, North or South of the Green Line. There is still hope I guess!?!

Switzerland.

Well up in the mountains of Switzerland we are getting the Gin Palace and all who live in her, plus the Cows, Sheep, Goats, Puke Junior the dog, Looney the sheepdog and not forgetting Reto the equally Looney shepherd boy, ready for winter.

Whilst having breakfast with pip squeak Urs, I was somewhat startled by a loud bang somewhere close by. It is a constant worry that Batfart-Gibbs might try and take her revenge and I was wondering if she might have found a shot gun. “Don’t be so nervous” said Urs, “Its only Reto playing around with his Zaporoshets.” The look of horror plus confusion on my face caused Urs to explain further.

Minus his Zaporoshets and his sheep.

 Apparently, whilst I was away, Reto had decided to move his goats down to the low pasture just in case of an unexpected drop in temperature. He thought it might be an idea to clean out the old barn (where unknown to him rumour has it he was conceived some 19 years and 9 months ago). The goat house was really too small for his expanding flock, so the barn seemed an obvious alternative. Urs wasn’t quite so enthusiastic about the barn. He hadn’t ventured into the place since New Years Eve 2005. I had asked him to go and check on Puke the dog who was making a noise near to the old barn. Upon entering the barn Urs was startled by a stark naked nun who had got herself absolutely stinko on a bottle of the local apple brandy. Upon seeing Urs she burst into song singing, “I’m going back to the shack where the black-eyed Susan’s grow,” before collapsing at Urs’s feet. I am sure to this day that what with this experience and, his mother running off with the Moonies, is what made him very wary of women in general. Reto says he takes after his father which earned him another smack round the lug-hole. Anyway, to cut a long story short, after removing a load of junk collected over the years, not to mention my barrel organ that plays ‘Carry me back to old virginny’ when fired up, little Reto saw something that had four wheels and looked something like a car. After a good wash with a bucket of soapy water there it stood in all its glory, a bright apple green Zaporoshets.

Oleg, the Zaporoshets

 Having borrowed the battery from Ayşen the Alfa, our wide eyed little Reto turned the key and much to his surprise, the thing started albeit with a few loud backfires that sent sheep, chickens, dogs, cats, goats, and Urs running for cover.

“I told him that he would have to ask you if he could use that heap of junk as it might have some sentimental value for you,” said Urs. The car once belonged to a Russian guy called Oleg who was working at the Bank of Moscow in Zurich. It turned out that he was really a Spetsnaz commando on a work experience course. He used to visit the gin palace but presented quite a problem. He had this charming gesture of bringing me a nice box of Barry Callebaut Chocolate creations on every visit, trouble is, he used to scare the hell out of me and Urs by crashing through my bedroom windows dressed in camo gear, sometimes in the early hours of the morning. It was costing me a ruddy fortune in glass not to mention valium.

                        Oleg with a lovely titfer.                                           Oleg on a special delivery

 I was about to have a word with Oleg when things sort of took care of themselves. One evening, he chose the wrong window by mistake and ended up in a room occupied by Batfart-Gibbs. Seeing her in a scanty ‘Haspolat’ creation was more than an even a highly trained Spetsnaz agent could take. He was last seen heading down the valley with BFG in hot pursuit. Did she catch him? Well I guess we will never know, but I kind of hope he made his escape because he was rather too nice to have been captured by that old rat bag.

Oleg never did come back for the car, so that dear reader is how our little Reto has a Zaporoshets and I have Oleg’s Spetsnaz beret he left on the kitchen table.

Pip Squeak loves having Reto around the house but would never admit it. You see, Reto has a tiny problem that makes getting close to him almost impossible, at least until it wears off. As he spends all summer on the high pasture with his goats and sheep the smell sort of ‘rubs off,’ if you know what I mean. We have tried everything- Camay, Radox, TCP, Jeyes Fluid even Ariel Automatic, but the smell lingers for a good ten days. One thing that does work is my Lanvin Pour Homo’s (or is it Hommes?), but at CHF150 a bottle it is kept strictly for special occasions!

We have had an election recently and Urs has been getting all patriotic. He got dressed up to go and vote.

All dressed up in the flag: GAU please note, he is entitled to

be wrapped up in the flag!

Urs and I were rooting for that nice Christophe Blocher of the Schweizerische Volkspartei, but Reto wasn’t so sure; especially after all the controversy with the white and black sheep poster. Reto has a black sheep that he absolutely adores called Winnie - after Winnie Mandela. Now that nice Mr. Blocher, or so Reto thought, wanted to kick his black sheep out and only allow white sheep in Switzerland. Reto isn’t the brightest bulb in the light-box and he took some persuading that Winnie was perfectly safe! Although we all agreed that Winnie as a name would suffice as sheep really didn’t need a surname after all. What really swung Reto to the SVP was that Urs had told Reto that there was no way the Gruen Partei (Ecologists) and a possible alternative for his vote would allow his bloody Zaporoshets on the road and that my old Trabbie would be in deep Kha Kha if they got in!

                     The German version of the poster that cause Reto a little concern

Civic duty done, it was time to go off and celebrate Reto’s 19^th birthday. We did Italian for Urs’s birthday, so it was off to Vladimir’s a local Russian restaurant. I am not well up on Russian cuisine but I was happy to try anything once. The menu was lots of soup, followed by lots of meat, followed by lots of cream. Apart from expanding my waistline an inch or two, the food was very good. The entertainment was something else however. A singer with the charm of and a face like Irma Greise and a voice like Tiny Tim - she was anything but Russian.

Irma Grese

Her rendition of Troshin’s hit; Moscow Nights brought tears of pain to my eyes. Fortunately the torture didn’t last long and ended after someone, (quite probably Reto although he denies it) threw a bread roll that hit here in the eye!

We have had trouble with tourists recently trespassing on our land. Everyone takes the view that the mountains are there to be enjoyed, but stomping over and damaging private property is getting to be quite a problem.

Sitting on the next table was a group of tourists that Reto and Urs had been having trouble with all week. The tour leader -whom Reto quite accurately described as a little fat midget with a phoney oxford English accent- had been leaving the clearly marked footpaths and straying onto our and other people’s property. When Urs attempted to politely guide them to the designated route he was told by the midget to, “Piss off young man, you are infringing my human rights”.  Urs wasn’t being difficult but was very insistent that she should not continue up the hill with her group of rather elderly tourists as he knew what awaited them on the other side. “Get out of my way young man. You Swiss apart from being lazy and undisciplined like your dog (Puke was trying to mount one of the old ladies at the time) need to have some respect. I’m an EU citizen and I have rights” she squawked. Urs gave up and the midget proceeded up the hill with her group of puffing geriatrics in tow.  Now I don’t know if you have noticed, but it is absolutely amazing how fast geriatrics and midgets can run, given the incentive to do so. Urs was trying to warn the group that just over the brow of the hill was ‘Bronwyn’ and her brood of cows. Bronwyn hates tourists with a passion and was feeling especially angry that day.

                                                   I smell a tourist!  Bronwyn on patrol.

So sitting at the next table were a bruised and battered tour group; the midget guide had her left arm in plaster. She was giving everyone present a monologue on the delights of Moscow.

 I asked the owner of the restaurant -named Vladimir of course- which company the midget worked for. “Oh, it’s a catholic eco tourism group called, Cathetours!” We were still in fits of laughter as Reto propelled us up the hill to the gin palace in his pride and joy -which he has now named Oleg the Zaporoshets. We put the tele' on just in time to learn that our nice Herr Blocher and the SVP had won the election: the end of an almost perfect day.

                                                                 Christophe Blocher.

Anyway cheer up all of you in the TRNC. We hear Ikea has opened a store on the Greek side and for those that celebrate it; Christmas is just around the corner! Everything is tickity boo here as usual and Reto smells just wonderful as he was given an extra large bottle of Lanvin for his birthday!

NB references to ‘Puke the dog’ relate to Puke junior, as ‘senior’ has gone to ‘doggy heaven;’ at least that’s what we told Urs!

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Last modified: 12/09/09