Homerfile May 2010

Universities of North Cyprus: EMU/DAU, GAU/AMERICAN UNIVERSITY, CIU/UKU, NEU/YDU, METU.NCC and if we must, EUL.LAU

The Prologue 

“So if he gets his house back does that mean that Hairy Ali and One Eyed Farouk can have Israel back and call it Palestine again,” asked Reto after hearing the Orams decision. “Not really because Israel is not in the EU! Well they behave like they are, just like a load of bloody Nazi’s, Lucinda Batfart Gibbs used to call the EU The Forth Reich and Urs said they are still trying to do things with his Swiss sausage.”  “Well just thank the lord for Christophe Blocher and the SVP that Switzerland isn’t in the forth Reich,” said I.

Reto rarely lets go of something if he thinks there is a point to be made. “Does that mean then if the Geismeyers hadn’t gotten blown up last year, they would have been able to get their house back that the old Hitler people stole in Red Wedding (Berlin), and if so, does that mean that Axis Sally will get her money back from the new Hitler people in Europe for her shares in that ‘Strength through Joy hotel’ up on the Baltic coast?” I think she should give Connie the rent boy a ring and see if he can help her and hairy Ali. (Connie the rent boy is Reto’s pet name for the solicitor who acted for the Greek Cypriot in the Orams case. Connie is short for Constantis and he got the ‘rent boy’ tag after I accidentally gave Reto the wrong definition of  a solicitor, and the fact that it appears he will do anything ‘sort of legal’ for money.

                                    Axis Sally, Part owner of this hotel on the Baltic.

Anyway, I hope you all had a good Christmas and new year and were able to spare a thought and maybe a few prayers for the poor hapless students that found themselves incarcerated in one of the universities of North Cyprus during the festive period.

Many of the universities over there currently resemble the ‘Marie Celeste’. Student numbers are down again and what few students there are can barely afford to get out of bed, yet alone make the trek to be bored stiff by university lecturers’ babbling on about a subject they may, or more likely do not know, anything about. That is of course assuming they have the strength to get out of bed. I know the general opinion of students seems to be spoilt and too lazy but what if this lack of energy is for some other reason…like bloody starvation for instance!

CYPRUS INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY, CIU/UKU.

We were alerted by a concerned member of staff that a Nigerian student had died over at CYPRUS INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY (CIU/UKU) apparently from starvation.

We contacted CIU to try to verify what we had been told and we warned that if we printed or said anything about ‘this lie’ we would be taken to the European Court. (Looks like they have got a hot line to Connie the rent boy as well I thought). The threat seemed a little drastic or desperate; as ‘the spokesperson’ then went on to say that the student did not die at CIU, but at Near East University. As the evidence presented to us was a little vague and the alleged medical report in Turkish, we handed the information over to Heidi our lawyer for her perusal. Whilst our Heidi was perusing this, two things happened: The first being that the information we had been given was confirmed by two Nigerian female students who had approached us for help on a different matter and secondly, the student’s ‘death from a heart attack’ brought on by starvation, was reported in at least two North Cyprus newspapers.

From a report in the Cyprus Star newspaper the spokesperson at CIU once again denied that the student died on their campus, but this time had died whilst visiting friends. After further investigation the university finally admitted that the male Nigerian student had died of a heart attack on the university campus, but denied that this had been brought on by starvation. Medical reports and witness statements suggest otherwise: that the student died as a result of starvation, that like most students, had been enticed here with the promise of an affordable, quality education (again untrue but who cares once they have their money) and the low cost of living. (The cost of foodstuff in North Cyprus is on a par with downtown Zurich, but unlike downtown Zurich, the produce is not of a very high quality).

Personally, I find it abhorrent that anyone should be left to die for want of food. Even after earthquakes and war the international community makes an effort to see that the survivors at least have something to eat and drink. So perhaps the administration at CIU can explain to my colleagues at ‘ISAS’, why a student was left to die at their university, which they claim has an adequate social welfare department (again untrue), and that the university has fully trained staff to deal with the needs of foreign students who are often from poor backgrounds and are vulnerable for all sorts of reasons including increasingly violent racist attacks.

METU.NCC.

I have been asked to point out that METU.NCC does use ‘anti-plagiarism’ software programmes to check all work produced by students studying in a faculty programme, but not in the awful School of Foreign Languages presided over by ausferenin Doris Schutt,

METU should not really be featured alongside the other North Cyprus institutions mentioned herein. METU is a fine university that applies world class standards at the main campus in Ankara and the satellite campuses in Mersin and Kalkanli (North Cyprus). What really lets the NCC campus down is the aforementioned School of Foreign Languages, presided over by a bullying xenophobic hermit like character, who finds it quite impossible to hang on to most of her staff for more than one academic year (the length of a contract). I understand that the secretary of the SFL left recently following a series of acrimonious exchanges with Frau Schutt. By all accounts the secretary in question was extremely competent and well liked by other members of staff - students and should therefore have known that her tenure was likely to be time limited.

If you want to study in North Cyprus then METU.NCC should be your first choice; always assuming that you have the brains and the money to sustain a course of study there. Sadly you might need to use a well placed ‘contact’ to secure a place, but for heavens sake, stay away from the School of Foreign Languages.

EUL/LAU the ‘European University of Lefke’

Well I never did! Sources close to Homerfile have reported that things have started to improve at EUL this academic year, especially since most of the students stopped turning up. So not being one to upset the apple cart lets leave it at that for this issue…except for that it is rumoured that the current Dictator, sorry Director of the English Preparatory School, is going around telling everyone who will listen that she intends to resign at the end of this academic year. Apparently, it’s something to do with the BOTs talking about withdrawing her pocket money for ‘doin her doctorate’ which she has been in the process of ‘doin’ for years now. But long suffering students and staff shouldn’t celebrate too soon. This particular little bundle of fun has spent years ensuring that anyone else who has tried to do the job as director of EPS at Lefke failed as a result of her little gang (of which she was the mouthpiece), such as plots and childish non–participation. Problem is she might well want to leave the place, but it is doubtful that any other ‘university’ would employ her.  Then again, there is GAU is suppose.

The ‘American’ University; Girne ‘American’ University; Girne ‘American’ University (Canterbury Subesi) Serhat's Dream, Kentish Fantasia and many other variations on a theme of ‘good ol’ GAU.

Now for simplicity sake I am going to include all the GAU enterprises under one banner in this issue – ‘crap and bullshit’ is the same in North Cyprus as it is in Canterbury, or Canterboro as that funny old man who keeps cropping up at speech days and opening ceremonies pronounces it. He looks vaguely familiar but the hair is all wrong as I am sure it used to be a vivid shade of orange. You would think that if you have the audacity to open a pseudo university full of virtual students in respectable Kent (UK), the rector or president (whatever) could at least pronounce the name properly wouldn’t you? As I have said, there is very little to differentiate between any of the GAU money making schemes so lets call it GAU Cyprus GAUC (Canterbury) just for this addition because what with GAU, GAUC, GAC, Camelot, The American University, UCNC, and many many other acronyms things are apt to get a little confused.

GAU (North Cyprus)

Some enterprising member of staff has been accused of trying to burn the place down; well at least the ‘department of creative accounting’ that is. Police arrested Ms Nermin Akerler who works at GAU accounts department. She was arrested for allegedly organising an arson attack on the premises. One of three men arrested earlier squealed on her whilst under interrogation by members at the local equivalent of 82 Avenue Foch. Now call me suspicious if you will, but why would someone want to burn an accounts department down? What is the point unless there is something to hide that is? I have a feeling in my plumbing that there is more to this than meets the eye, but if I am right, you can bet that an attempt will be made to ‘hush things up’. Unless of course someone managed to spirit something away, like a phantom in the night to another land before things went ‘poof’ that is.

What with Guy Fawkes (Nermin) allegedly trying to torch the dump only a few weeks earlier the former GAU et al rector, Nilgun Sarp,  had a few words to say on the state of education over there on fantasy island. I hate to admit it, old misogynist that I am, but she was clearly the only person at management level over there that had any balls, metaphorically speaking of course. This is what she said in the:

Now the lady undoubtedly has a way with words, some might say a diplomatic turn of phrase. Having neither, I translated her words to mean that most of the universities there are a load of  old horse manure, that the universities and most but not all academic staff working  therein are decidedly below par, the buildings themselves are pretentious empty shells. The owners of the universities will treat students as ‘cash cows’ milking them for every last cent, euro or TL for nothing of value in return and the academic staff are treated like they are  something nasty that you might scrape off the bottom of  your shoe.

Students should maybe be looking elsewhere for their further education where standards are better and where academic staff are valued, somewhere like Turkey, Bulgaria, Romania, Upper Volta or Outer Mongolia would be preferable.

GAUC CANTERBURY UK.

BEFORE WE START. GAU CANTERBURY IS NOT A REAL UNIVERSITY. IT IS NOT NOW, NOR IS IT EVER LIKELY TO BE, ABLE TO ISSUE DEGREES/DIPLOMA’S THAT HAVE ANY WORTHWHILE ACCREDITATION OUTSIDE THE TURKISH REPUBLIC OF NORTHERN CYPRUS. IT IS NOT RECOGNISED BY ANY UK ACCREDITATION ORGANIZATION. THE ‘ENGLISH ACCREDITATION AND EVALUATION COUNCIL’ MENTIONED ON THE GAUC WEBSITE DOES NOT APPEAR ON ANY GOOGLE/YAHOO SEARCH AND FURTHERMORE THE U.K BORDER AGENCY HAS RECENTLY ANNOUNCED A GLOBAL TIGHTENING OF STUDENT APPLICATIONS FOR STUDY IN THE UK. IMPORTANTLY STUDENTS MUST NOW DEMONSTRATE A MUCH HIGHER LEVEL OF ENGLISH AND THE INSTITUTIONS THEY ARE STUDYING AT MUST PROVIDE WRITTEN EVIDENCE OF ATTENDENCE.

We were approached by a parent of a student studying or thinking of studying law at GAU. They were told that their son/daughter could complete a YODAK (North Cyprus University accreditation office) accredited law degree course and then do a simple conversion course at GAUC law department, or a UK institution, enabling them to practice law in the UK. This is completely false information and I urge any prospective student who is told anything similar to get in touch with the UK authorities to make them aware of what is going on. For information about becoming a solicitor or barrister entitled to practice in the UK you must contact either the Law Society of England and Wales/The Law Society of Scotland or in the case of prospective barristers, the relevant Bar Associations in either London or Edinburgh. Relying on advice from anyone at GAU/GAUC I should say, especially at GAU, without having it confirmed in writing by a reputable professional regulatorary body like those already mentioned, is likely to rob you or many years wasted study and money. Our information is that The Law Society of England and Wales, the Law Society of Scotland and no UK Bar associations recognise a YODAK Law degree. In fact when we contacted those organizations none of them had even heard of YODAK! Do not be fobbed off by the promise that a YOK accredited law degree will be recognised in the UK either, as such degrees are related to TURKISH LAW ONLY and all YOK law degree programmes will be taught solely IN TURKISH.

GAUC opened to much fanfare in the local North Cyprus press but was hardly much of an event elsewhere. Harry Cragg the Mayor of Canterbury managed to get himself involved in the shenanigans, which are something he might live to regret, if the rumblings from his political opponents are anything to go by.

Anyway, TRNC President (now deposed) Mr Mehmet Ali Talat turned up along with the ‘Dear One’ who both made gushing speeches in remarkably fluent English and not forgetting the esteemed rectorof GAU where everything is supposed to happen in English spoke almost entirely in Turkish with a smattering of Turklish thrown in - What an embarrassment!. ‘Professor Dr’ Hulac, the Director of  GAUC threw in the usual dollop of bullshit to keep thing jollying along.  Nearly everyone else at the opening had been shipped into Canterbury from North Cyprus; students, academic staff, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of the cleaning staff had turned up as well. You can watch a sample of this load of old tosh on ‘You Tube’ if so inclined. Unfortunately, most of it is in Turkish and as propaganda goes, it falls as flat as the proverbial pancake. Any idea who that old man is who makes a grab for the microphone and the reporter’s hand, heard wittering on in Turkish at a university that is suppose to operate in English? Urs said ‘look at him, that’s disgusting’, but being a more charitable and forgiving soul I am sure he was just trying to steady himself, as no doubt he is getting a little bit more unstable in his dotage - it is said that peroxide does addle the brain. This brings me nicely to The Strange Tale of the Rectors Speech, or rather a speech written for him as ‘he, me, my leader not no know the engleeze too bloody well’

A student friend of ours had managed to secrete herself on ‘the top floor’ and in doing so heard an interesting conversation about a speech some poor bugger had been asked to ghost write for the esteemed rectum of GAU; you know, him with the strange taste in hair do’s who has to steady himself a little in his declining years, was one time Rector of the so called European University of Lefke but doesn’t like to mention it, suffers from a acute case of multi-phobias (xenophobia, homophobia, hydrophobia etc)…come on this is a subtle hint folks. First correct answer out of the hat wins a lollipop.

                                                                                                      .

Turns out the Rector Bey had decided to make a speech but being linguistically challenged decided to get someone else to write it for him. No don’t laugh now, this is a great step forward for him making a speech in English even if it has been written by someone else. Now apparently the task was farmed out and we naturally assumed that the GAU translator and phantom plagiariser ‘Davut The Magnificent’ head of the said department and now passing himself of as an expert on the left and right hemispheres of the human brain, would do the deed but we were wrong. It would appear that he couldn’t be trusted with the task lest he nicked it from someone like Castro who is also known for his long winded speeches. Anyway, the poor ghost writer, who ever he or she was, got to work and wrote what appeared to be a good speech and sent it off to Rector Bey to learn the words sort of ‘parrot fashion’. However, the ghost writer had apparently used words of more than one syllable and their speech was returned with a rather curt message, ‘I said no big words!’ That bit was in Turkish of course.

Before Rector Bey engineered his Rector Bey appointment he ruined a recording we were making of last years full graduation ceremony by droning on and on about the fact that he had not been seated in the so called protocol seats. Being several rows back from the Dear One, the ‘great and the good of GAU’, not to mention the competent rector at that time Prof.Dr Sarp, he was heard to whinge on and on about the fact he was seated (as he would see it) in the wrong place. Especially as he had his hair done and his nose and ears plucked especially for the occasion. We know this as he uses the same plucker as our old friend Lucinda Batfart-Gibbs uses since the menopause kicked in about fifty years ago, and probably still does if she is still alive. The thing is he did mange to get his noble arse into the protocol seats before the end of the evening but sadly this was only after the vast majority had gone home to bed!

Some tips on how to spot that dodgy PHD Professor whatever.

Now old Homerfile doesn’t mind the odd smack on the bum, in fact it can be quite exhilarating but I have received several letters just recently asking why I always choose to expose the dodgy PhDs and MAs of Turks and Cypriots whilst leaving native speakers of English alone. Well I don’t, and whilst I hate to be pedantic about it, the numbers so far are about even. However, a quite valid point was made recently about a few so called Professor Drs and Asst Professors; three at GAU and another at EUL, who had been promoting themselves through the ranks without any apparent academic input.

Homerfile and others associated with this website have rightly or wrongly taken the view that if an individual member of faculty who may be a little bit on the dodgy side doesn’t actually do much harm to the students, or stick the knife into a genuine academic back, then it is probably best not to make too much of a fuss, especially as in some institutions over there such genuine academic individuals appear to be a majority! But there is a limit and as the letter of complaint points out, this doesn’t only involve North Cyprus universities any more, ever since the so called collaborations and overseas campus seems to have become all the rage.

Dodgy BA’s are ten a penny over there in Cyprus. BAs issued not just by north Cyprus universities but by those in the south have become the laughing stock of Europe, when students who hold BAs that were supposed to have been taught entirely in English present themselves for a job interview and have difficulty in stringing a single sentence together. Of course this is not helped when so called leading academic figures of such institutions - supposedly teaching in English - go to a country where English is the native language and they at best continue to repeat a well rehearsed phase in English over and over again, which is totally irrelevant to the question being asked as happened recently in Canterboro, sorry Canterbury .

The alternative is to remain dumb for the entire visit or give them a blast on your hooter as Harpo Marx used to do. However, what one of those dubious BAs might well do is open the door to a real university where you might be able to study for an MA. I have already mentioned in the past several examples of students holding BA,s from GAU and elsewhere on the island, engaged in menial tasks like road sweeping and car park attendants. Others usually get slotted in to the civil service or become teachers depending on the depth of dirt they have on whoever is in charge of the department they wish to work in: Although most are able to be appointed using the torpil network which translates to nepotism and corruption to you and me. One graduate is a male hooker and doing quite well by all accounts being the proud owner of a new Japanese Hot Rod (and I am talking about a car and not an obliging co-worker of oriental origin who accidentally grabbed the Vicks vapour rub by mistake! I would guess that they are holders of a locally issued YODAK degree but I am by no means certain as hookers tend not to display their diplomas whilst ‘doing the businesses’ although a recent health certificate wouldn’t go amiss.

THE BA.

In short BAs issued in North Cyprus should not be confused with BAs that have been earned in reputable mainland Turkish universities, METU.NCC, at a push Near East University and in most other universities around the world. A simple test if you wish is to engage a holder of a first degree (BA) in a conversation off topic, that is to say nothing to do with the department that issued their BA. Now a student picked at random and not planted or groomed with the required standard of English to study at BA level should be able to converse in a number of subjects fluently and without hesitation. If you find one, let me know. In the case of a BA award in North Cyprus the basic requirements are to pay up, turn up occasionally, shut up and not tell the teacher he is a moron even if he is, and at exam times learn to be “nice” to your teacher and get some advance lessons in how to kiss teachers ass. You could of course get a real genius to sit the exam for you. The invigilators are unlikely to notice, and for that matter, care that the person sitting the exam doesn’t look any thing remotely like you. Just be careful if you are Turkish that you get a Turkish stand-in because asking a Nigerian to stand-in for you is a dead giveaway. 

Juris Doctor JD

One of those weird ‘American’ things which translate roughly to a BA in law elsewhere and should not be confused with Doctor of Juridical Science which is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Juris Doctor is a title given to graduates holding a first degree in law. Most people do not use the term JD unless they are practising lawyers in the US. It is not a PhD or an academic equivalent of a PhD and to pass a JD off as such is a little like the holder of a basic first aid certificate masquerading as a Consultant Neurologist. This title and its use has generated an inordinate volume of email traffic to the isas-ch in the past few months and whilst I sympathise with many of the points raised in letters, we are not able to name particular individuals alleged to be using such a degree improperly, unless substantial evidence is offered that can be verified by our lawyer is produced. You can, of course, write a letter for publication on our letters page and provided we can check the identity of the sender, we might be prepared to publish your comments. We could of course with-hold the authors name if requested to do so. The gist of the letters of complaint appear to be about an individual who is calling himself ‘Prof Dr’, does not appear to hold a PhD from YOK or from any internationally recognised accrediting organization. We have today checked with YOK who have confirmed that this individual should not be using the title of ‘Prof.Dr’ at any of their accredited schools or institutions. However, when we mentioned that the particular institution was in North Cyprus and the individual concerned was using the title in connection with one of its ‘overseas campuses’ there was an audible groan, followed by mutterings in Turkish of words I understand not to be terribly complimentary about the said institution; followed by a sound like someone banging their heads against the wall - which come to think of it is the usual response from YOK, a reputable institution that has the unenviable task of vetting and accrediting some but by no means all, of the diploma’s issued in North Cyprus. Make no mistake here folks, YOK is a reputable organization and it’s not their fault that they have been saddled with trying to make TRNC universities respectable. A little like Blondie and Hitler relationship and we all know what happened to Blondie in the end.

Mum and Dad with Blondie and MacDuff

The MA.

Now the theory is that once you have bought - sorry earned - your first degree you will have proved to be in possession of sufficient academic competences to move on and complete a Masters Degree. That is what happens in the real world, but not necessarily over in North Cyprus, especially if you are signed up for one of those YODAK degrees that are only recognised there.

Now its just possible that a student holding a BA from a North Cyprus university has sufficient English to pass the degree off as of some value and get  signed up to a real world university MA course. It is highly likely that the student would have acquired their English Language skills long before they entered a North Cyprus university and it is also likely therefore that having spent four years on a BA course being taught in confusing TURKLISH; it will be necessary to brush up on their language skills at a competent English Language School or search out Kylie or Jason from Billericay to spend a few romantic hours with just to get themselves back to the same level of English they were at before the North Cyprus experience.

If you can manage to get yourself accepted into a real world MA programme you are likely to be in for a shock because you will have to write in an understandable form of English, paying particular attention to grammar and you will also have to work to deadlines. None of that ‘make-up exam’ rubbish in the real world. At the end of your course you will have to present a detailed thesis, properly referenced and in a high standard of English which will almost certainly be checked for plagiarism. If you are caught cheating once you will be thrown off the programme.

A local YODAK MA is a little different in that provided you pay your fees, show up for the odd lecture, be ‘nice’ to the teacher and get someone to write some load of old nonsense vaguely related to the subject you are supposed to know something about, and present it as your thesis to the said teacher you have been ‘nice’ too. You will then have to ‘defend’ your thesis before a panel of lecturers that, depending on the quality of your presentation, will recommend an award of a second degree. If your thesis is a little shaky you might find that you will have to be ‘nice’ to the entire panel which in some cases is a real pain (in the ass). Again, most students who sign-up, pay up, and don’t upset the academic staff will get an award of a MA. Getting that award endorsed by YOK or accepted in the real world is another matter entirely.

The Doctorate PhD in North Cyprus.

Having gone through the BA, MA, rituals at a North Cyprus university and the fact you are now considering doing your PhD, means either that you are locked into a system you cannot escape from, you’re a real dunderhead and have no hope of getting accepted into a real world university or maybe a combination of the two, or as a male student, really don’t want to do your military service. Obviously, there may be one or two exceptions to the rule but I have yet to hear of any.

The Doctorate PhD in the rest of the world including Turkey!

There are a few variations on the studies required to be awarded the title of PhD but most are broadly similar to the criteria existing in the United Kingdom which are as follows:

All doctorates (except those awarded Honorius Causa or honorary degree) granted by British universities are research doctorates in that their main (and in many cases only) component is the submission of a thesis or portfolio of original research, examined by an expert panel appointed by the university. The quality assurance agency (for England, Wales and Northern Ireland but not Scotland) states:

Doctorates are awarded to students who have demonstrated:

1. the creation and interpretation of new knowledge, through original research or other advanced scholarship, of a quality to satisfy peer review, extend the forefront of the discipline, and merit publication;
2. a systematic acquisition and understanding of a substantial body of knowledge which is at the forefront of an academic discipline or area of professional practice;
3. the general ability to conceptualize, design and implement a project for the generation of new knowledge, applications or understanding at the forefront of the discipline, and to adjust the project design in the light of unforeseen problems;
4. a detailed understanding of applicable techniques for research and advanced academic enquiry.

–        Framework for Higher Education Qualifications in England, Wales and Northern Ireland^[, Annex 1

The above applies (with minor fine tuning) to doctorates issued in the US, Europe (including here in Switzerland) and indeed most of the world except it would appear North Cyprus.

It is clear therefore that a considerable volume of published work should exist by the person claiming to hold a PhD which has been peer reviewed and at least some of that work would have been published in academic journals, on the internet or elsewhere. A simple Google search should produce several items by the claimed PhD holder which have been clearly peer reviewed. It is not unreasonable to assume that such publications would be written in English if the PhD holder is employed at an institution where English is the main language of instruction. I am not going to go through all the claimed PhD holders working at North Cyprus universities to see if there is any record that they have published anything useful, because I will leave that to you dear reader, but I warn you now you are likely to be in for a big surprise when several prominent names do not appear to have produced anything of academic value, and a few names that do come up with publications against their names, when you try to get hold of a copy of the paper or journal, you might find that it has disappeared into thin air if it existed at all that is. In two cases we checked out quite recently, publications coming up against an individuals name turned out to have been nicked (stolen) from someone else and there is no prizes for guessing one of those individuals involved!

This brings me quite nicely back to the subject of the academic titles some of those bozos like to tag on to their real title, which in many cases should only be Mr! When does an assistant professor become an associate professor and does any title have academic merit? Well, the phantom plagiariser up at GAU got his knickers into a right old twist the other week. He was originally titled Asst Prof on a poster advertising his talk on advanced neurosurgery of the left and right sides of the brain, which we thought rather adventurous for a bod as suspect as a pair of Haspolat Levoi Jeans. Well, he jumped up and down, threw his toys out of the pram, spent an hour or two preening and telling himself that he was the greatest educator since Dr. Joseph Goebbels whilst the publishers of the said poster turned him into an Assoc Prof. As dear Maggie Thatcher once said, ‘Vanity Vanity, all is vanity’ Asst or Assoc both start with ASS so does it really matter as ASS sums it up concisely I would say. (Goebbels did hold a genuine PhD by the way)

Oh and before we leave GAU, have you ever thought what GAU might translate to in Cantonese? Gau is a common vulgar word in Cantonese that literally means penis or dick. Ingong gau an adjective that may be translated as a "dumbass" Seems like the Chinese have got the place summed up nicely then doesn’t it!

Listening In

Technology has moved on so fast that a tiny listening/transmitter device no bigger than a small pea that was demonstrated to me recently, can be hidden almost anywhere; it’s solar powered and can go on transmitting on any set frequency until someone mistakes it for the said pea and eats it or decides to spend their entire life in the dark. Damn clever those Swiss! However, even the Swiss get things wrong occasionally. I took Reto down to something called the R and D department at our research facility deep in the mountains. Now very strange people work there with strange shaped heads, and I only visit when absolutely necessary, but Reto loves it as there are all manner of electronic gadgets to play around with. Unfortunately, on our last trip Reto managed to destroy a rather valuable audio visual device when he stamped on it. It would appear that the device had been mounted inside a pseudo cockroach and Reto hating cockroaches jumped up and down on the thing until it stopped moving. As he quite rightly pointed out it was a daft idea to put such a device in something that would most likely be sprayed with insecticide or jumped up and down on by someone, which I seem to remember was exactly what happened when one of our clients placed a similar device in a Moldavian nightclub hostesses navel!

A similar bug which was easily fitted into a floral arrangement and worked fine until someone entered the room with a hearing aid. The poor person was deafened (can you be twice deafened?) when the device caused his hearing aid to give off more bird calls and loud clangs than one might hear ‘In a Monastery Garden’, or from ‘Bells Across the Meadow’. I have it on good advice that an earlier type worked well for years over in Zaferland when it was placed in a dried flower arrangement. Sadly it bit the dust when one of the cleaners got carried away with the spray polish, but never fear, Zaferland along with ‘other places of interest’ are back on air once again, or so we are told, not that I would have anything whatsoever to do with such underhandedness..

The Epilogue.                                                                                       

Life in good old CH and Cyprus goes on much the same. We had lots of snow this year which pleased the tourist industry but made driving down into Samedan or over to St Moritz interesting. Urs is still happy doing green and bio friendly things with his cows and crops, whilst Reto has embraced organic farming methods with his goats and sheep. As someone who thinks that goats and sheep are one and the same, all this is a great mystery to me so I just spend my time clearing up after the pair of them.

We had Hairy Ali and some of his Palestinian friends over for Christmas and the New Year which seems ages ago now. Being Muslim the Palestinians don’t celebrate Christmas, but as they are living in Switzerland and there is free food and presents round the tree, religion took a back seat for the festivities - sadly is the case through most of the so called Christian world. I still get the Bing Crosby 78s out and stick the fairy on the top of the tree, although Urs gets annoyed with the term fairy, so we now have to call the bloody thing ‘a winged person with an alternative lifestyle’. Actually, the fairy or whatever, met a sticky end on boxing day when Looney Reto’s mad sheep dog got hold of it and made off with it somewhere. To save the day Urs loaned one of his old action men dolls to put on the tree in its place. Actually, I don’t think it is an action man in the way that I remember them. It’s called a Jeff Stryker doll which is apparently ‘anatomically correct’ and if you are interested, I am sure they are mentioned on Google somewhere. The doll disappeared shortly after the New Year and Reto is quite sure he saw Gran putting it in her fake designer suitcase she bought from dodgy Hassan in Guzelyurt last year. Wouldn’t surprise me as she has started to act very strange of late.

Our alternative Fairy

(that gran probably nicked)

Reto has always had some strange ways too: such as the urge to shout things out or start singing at concerts/recitals absolutely oblivious to what is going on around him. When he was younger we thought he might have acquired Tourette’s syndrome, but as he has never taken to yelling out mucky words, our GP Dr Bender thought it was just Reto being Reto, or the effect of the enormous amounts of M and Ms he was apt to consume. Urs thought it was something to do with E numbers and food additives in general and as our Thai cook at the time (who has the odd name of ODD) was rather liberal with the monosodium glutamate, Urs could well have been on the right track as I used to get the odd twitch occasionally. The shouting usually occurs when he remembers something he was trying to think off a few hours or days earlier which can have rather unfortunate consequences. It also happens whilst he is sleeping which is particularly unnerving.

The grand concert hall of the Zurich Tonhalle

                                                              (where Reto made his debut as Isolde)

We were asked politely not to bring Reto to any more operatic concerts at the Zurich Tonhalle, after a particularly splendid performance of the Liebstod from Tristan and Isolde was ruined, when Reto decided to join in. As he was around 14 at the time and his voice wasn’t sure of whether it preferred soprano or baritone, it was not a pleasant ‘duet’ at all and one I am sure had Wagner turning in his grave.

Aeroflot banned us from flying with them (some would term this a favour) after he yelled out in his sleep, ‘We’re gonna crash’, during a flight from Moscow to Sverdlovsk. It didn’t help that we were flying in a very dilapidated Tupolev 154M at the time. The aircraft was on loan to Aeroflot from the Afghan carrier Ariana, which didn’t inspire much confidence either.

On New Years Eve we were invited to a dinner given by the Palestinian/Arab friendship Society, Why you may well ask, but ever since Reto told one of the kids (Solly Cohen) at his Tech School who kept stealing Reto’s peanut and marmalade bagels that I was a secret agent for the Mukhabarat, I have been treated as a sort of guest of honour. Well, I didn’t confirm or deny my Yassar Bond existence because if it’s good enough for all those ‘Dr Bullshits’ at GAU, it’s good enough for me! Anyway, we were well into a plate of  garlic potato puree (unfortunately  a favourite of Reto’s) when all of a sudden he yelled out the answer to a question asked the night before on the Swiss version of  ‘The Weakest Link’ We all dived under the tables as gunfire shredded the doors and windows of the room we were in. “What the hell did you shout that out for,” asked Urs, after things had calmed down a bit. Well Ann asked that question last night and I just remembered the answer. Reto certainly picks his moments to remember, but fortunately the MOSSAD hadn’t gate crashed the Palestinian/Arab friendship party after all, and one eyed Farouk was able to return his well concealed Glock in his trouser leg again!

Then of course there is the annual ski race which is quite an event and can be particularly noisy as the competitors come right past our front door. A few used to come right trough our front window until the organizers altered the route. One year, a poor Austria youth came sailing through the window and landed right on top of Reto’s Bosendorfer and

No-one, but no-one is allowed near Reto’s much loved piano. Although not hurt in the initial impact, he did see stars when Reto smacked him over the head with a leather bound score of the Rachmaninov 3^rd Concerto.

                                                                         A much loved Bosendorfer Imperial.

Every year a group always seems to get lost, usually Germans and usually drunk German Youths. This year there was a slight variation. We were not surprised to get a knock on the door early evening by the park ranger. Hello and Happy New Year Herr Wolf (I really wish they would get my name right, god knows who Herr Wolf is or was). ‘A group of young men, Czechs apparently, have got lost on the mountain; do you think you might leave a red light on in your tower room tonight? Before I got the chance Urs replied, “You must be bloody joking! Who do you think I am, Dulcie Gray!” * Before the ranger got a chance to ask who Dulcie Grey was Urs added, “I am too tired for mid-night callers especially Czechs.” I was not therefore in the least bit surprised to find the kitchen full of young Czech skiers when I went down to breakfast the next morning. You know I worry about that boy sometimes, I really do!

                                                            Dulcie Gray

* In  ‘Angels One Five’ a war film released in 1953,Dulcie Gray’s character, Mrs Clinton was asked by a village policeman to leave a ‘red light’ in her bombed out cottage to guide lost airman home during the Battle Of Britain. Of course the red light is used as 'welcoming device', but depending on the context, for entirely different reasons!